Take Control of Your Anger

From Brad

Carl loses control. It happens several times a week. Lately, it seems like it doesn’t take much to set him off. Sometimes it’s a comment from his wife, a criticism from his boss, or an interaction with a rude customer. Or maybe it’s a slow driver or a glance from a stranger that lasts just a little too long. When Carl loses it, it’s not a pretty sight. His blood boils, his heart pounds, and he often does or says something he later regrets. While he has never hit his wife, he has sworn at her, yelled at the kids, slammed doors, and broken things. Carl’s anger is getting the best of him and is interfering with his life. 

In itself, anger is a good thing. It is a highly adaptive emotion that let’s us know that something is wrong. Anger warns us we are being mistreated, threatened, or at risk of being harmed. It helps us express our needs to those we care about and argue for change. Anger is part of our hardwired fight or flight system to protect us from threats to our physical and emotional wellbeing. When our brain interprets something as threatening, it sets off an alarm that mobilizes us to take protective action. Hormones are released into our bloodstream that increase our heart rate, oxygen intake, and muscle tension, preparing us to take action. In that moment, all of our body’s resources are aimed at survival. The action-oriented parts of our brain are activated and the thinking parts of our brain are shut off.

Anger is a very effective emotion when we are faced with a threat that requires action for survival. Unlike the world of our prehistoric ancestors, however, most of us are rarely faced with threats that require such mobilization. If we aren’t careful, non-life threatening situations such as an argument with a spouse or coworker can lead to intense anger where our thinking brains go off line, resulting in actions that can hurt us and those around us.  

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), human beings primarily respond to anger in three ways- suppression, expression, and calming. Suppressing anger involves trying to deny it exists, pushing it down, or ignoring it by focusing only on the positive. While this may work in the short run, it can lead to significant problems later on. When anger is not dealt with, it can lead to high blood pressure, hypertension, or depression. It can lead to a cynical attitude, chronic sarcasm, or taking out one’s anger in indirect and inappropriate ways.

Expressing anger in a non-aggressive but assertive manner is the healthiest way to deal with it. To do so, you must be clear about what you want and know how to effectively advocate for what you need. Since our thinking brain shuts off during intense anger, advocating for oneself is best done after a period of calming. Calming involves taking steps to lower your heart rate, interrupt or challenge angry thoughts, and let the feelings subside. For example, when in conflict I encourage couples to rate their anger on a scale of 0-10, with 0 representing a total absence of anger and 10 representing uncontrollable rage. When someone feels anger above an intensity level of 5 or 6, further attempts to resolve the issue will likely result in a poor outcome. In such times, calming techniques are useful to lower the intensity of the anger to a level where productive discussions are possible. Often this will involve taking a 20-30 minute “time-out” from the interaction to allow the thinking brain to come back on-line.

The APA recommends some additional ways of managing anger. These include: Deep breathing: Shallow chest breathing occurs when we are stressed or angry. Taking several deep belly breaths can help initiate a relaxation response. Repeat a calming phrase: While taking deep breaths, repeat in your mind the words “relax” or “take it easy.” Helpful self-talk: An exaggerated anger response is often based on exaggerated thinking, irrational thinking, or a misinterpretation of events or intentions. Replace thoughts like “this is horrible and things will never be the same” or “she is hurting me on purpose” with more helpful thoughts like “I am upset but things will work out” or “she may not have known this would hurt me.” Relaxing Imagery: Anger can also be a result of distressing mental images. Try focusing on a relaxing mental image or scene, such as a beautiful sunset. Think before you talk: When angry it is easy to jump to conclusions. Don’t say the first thing that comes to your mind and take some time to think through your response.

Misplaced, exaggerated, or chronic anger is often the result of suppressed anger associated with deeper emotional wounds, such as those resulting from a history of physical or emotional abuse. If you feel like your anger is out of control and is having a negative effect on your relationships consider counseling to help you take control of your anger.  The quality of your life and the lives of those around you will dramatically improve!

Achieve Greater Success with a Mentor

From Brad

The best and brightest among us have them. In fact, it is difficult to find a successful man or woman who does not. They may be acquaintances, family members, neighbors, or friends. They go by many different names and titles--mentor, coach, advisor, guide, teacher, counselor, or trainer. Or they may be hired professionals. Tiger Woods, thought by many to be the greatest golfer of all time, has a golf coach. Imagine that--the best golfer in the world taking instruction from a coach who he could easily defeat on the golf course. NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon has a team of coaches. Former number one tennis great and winner of eight Grand Slam singles titles, Andre Agassi, worked with a coach throughout his career. Professional boxers work with an entire team of trainers and coaches who are in their corner. Bill Gates, one of the wealthiest men in the world was mentored by none other than Warren Buffett, one of the most successful stock market investors in history. Did Warren Buffett have a mentor? You bet he did. Warren Buffett was mentored by Benjamin Graham, author of the Intelligent Investor, the father of modern security analysis and value investing.

Why do the best performers have mentors?  Master performers recognize that it can be difficult to see their own limitations. They also know that an objective observer can more easily identify these roadblocks to success. For example, men have a tendency to attribute excessive blame for failure on factors outside of themselves (e.g. “The wind was blowing too hard,” or “Those people don’t know a good thing when they see one,”), while women have a tendency to overestimate the degree to which they are at fault (e.g. “If only I were stronger/smarter/etc.”). Both errors can have a negative impact on performance, and can be hard to see from the inside. Secondly, exceptional performers know that there is always room for improvement, even when they are the best in the world! Finally, because they are human, even masters go through periods of crisis, slumps, downturns, where they perform below their peak. Mentors help them through these difficult times.

All master performers started out as rookies. Natural talent, desire, and dedication are not enough. They must be coupled with knowledge, skill, and confidence that are best achieved under the guidance of coaches and mentors. Human beings have been perfecting certain skills and mindsets through the centuries. It has often been said that there is no such thing as an original thought, illustrating the idea that humankind has a massive collective store of knowledge. Thus it is beneficial to anyone trying to achieve a particular goal to tap into this collective wisdom. Regardless of the complexity of the situation you face, or the goal you would like to achieve, others have successfully navigated similar situations in the past. Rather than starting out on a journey towards a destination without a map or compass, following a process of trial and error, one of the most efficient ways to achieve a goal is by looking to a guide who has already made the journey.

So how do you go about finding a mentor? First, it is important to decide what you would like to achieve. Are you looking to rise in your profession, expand your business, improve your relationships, enjoy greater physical, emotional, or financial health, or improve your overall performance? Or are you looking to gain a specific set of knowledge or skills, such as learning to play the guitar, getting a grip on your finances, improving your speaking skills, or learning about good nutrition? Once you have decided what you would like to achieve, set your intention on finding someone who has already achieved this goal, is farther ahead in achieving the goal than you are, or has helped others to achieve it.

There is a Buddhist proverb that says “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” Once you have set your goal and you are committed to finding a mentor, you are well on your way to achieving your goal. When you open your mind to finding a mentor, you may be surprised to learn that you already have this teacher in your life--an acquaintance, friend, or family member--but perhaps you have not utilized them as a resource. Or maybe you can identify a person you’ve heard of, who has achieved what you would like to achieve, to ask for guidance. Many master performers will make use of several mentors or trusted advisors, each with an expertise in a particular area that is important to their success. You can improve your performance by either hiring a professional mentor or contacting someone you don’t know asking them to share with you some insight, wisdom, or advice. While you might be hesitant to ask someone for this type of support, rest assured that there is no greater compliment you can give than to recognize someone’s achievements and to ask them for guidance. If they can’t take on another mentee or client, they may be willing to refer you to someone they recognize as equally effective. Streamline your efforts, improve your life, and increase the likelihood of achieving your goals by finding a mentor. You won’t regret it!

Face Your Fears

From Brad

The thought alone can keep you up at night. It makes your heart pound, your palms sweat, and your stomach tighten. You try to avoid thinking about it, and may go to great lengths to keep from seeing it or experiencing it. It is what you fear most. Depending on your life experience it could be almost anything. Common fears include flying, snakes, spiders, heights, elevators, large crowds, or public speaking. Many fears are universal and shared by most human beings. They are the result of an evolutionary learned survival response that kept your cave-dwelling ancestors alive. For example, it is beneficial to your survival to be afraid of things that can harm you, such as poisonous animals, large predators, or closed spaces where you would be unable to escape if attacked. Other fears are conditioned responses from your own life and may be the direct result of a traumatic event you have experienced. For example, you might feel anxious about driving after being in a car accident, fear storms after living through a tornado or hurricane, or fear close relationships after being hurt by someone you trusted.

   

Sometimes, however, our fears can take on a life of their own. They can become excessive and irrational, far surpassing their usefulness. We may generalize them to situations in which we are perfectly safe. When fears are exaggerated and interfere with one’s normal routine or quality of life, they may constitute an anxiety disorder. Some anxiety disorders are related to specific fears like those mentioned above, and others are less specific. We may have an entire menu of worries that we shuffle through from moment to moment and day to day. We may experience panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed and immobilized by anxiety, a racing heart, chest pains, shortness of breath, and fear we are dying or going crazy. In this case, the fear of having a panic attack becomes the thing that we fear most, and to avoid shame or embarrassment we may decide it is best if we don’t leave home.

With anxiety disorders, a situation, event, or fear trigger is interpreted as life threatening when it is not likely to cause us harm. The intensity of our anxiety surpasses the degree of threat we are facing or are likely to face. When our brains interpret a situation as threatening, we are biologically hardwired to have a fear response that sends chemicals throughout our body mobilizing us to fight or flee. As such, we try to escape the situation, push through it, or become frozen in fear.

It makes total sense to avoid thinking about, seeing, touching, or experiencing the things that scare us. After all, that is what we are conditioned to do. However, when fears are irrational or are interfering with our quality of life, avoiding them just feeds them and keeps them locked firmly in place. When it comes to overcoming our fears, avoidance is our worst enemy. Ironically, the only way to overcome a fear is to face it. This sounds scary at first, but the fact is all of us have overcome many fears in our lives, and that is exactly how we did it. For example, think back to a time in your life when you were nervous or fearful about trying something new. Maybe it was your first day at school, interviewing for a job, trying out for a sport, going on a first date, or giving a speech. After taking the plunge, chances are your worst fears were not realized, or if they were, you survived them anyway. This gave you a mastery experience and boosted your confidence, or at worse taught you at least one way you shouldn’t approach a challenge next time. This same technique can be used to tackle the most debilitating anxieties. But just like walking into class and meeting your teacher and classmates for the very first time in elementary school, it takes courage.

 

Here are some suggestions for helping you face your fears:

• Pay attention to what you say to yourself about the feared thing or situation. Typically we don’t stop to observe the chatter between our ears. When we don’t pay attention to our automatic self-talk we are at its mercy.

• Evaluate the accuracy of your thinking. Just because it pops into your head doesn’t mean it is true. What is the evidence that your assumption is true or not true? Is there a better explanation? What’s the worse thing that could happen? Could you live through it? What’s the most realistic thing that will happen? If a friend or loved one was in this situation and had this thought, what would you tell him or her?

• Practice using relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, meditation, calming self-talk, and prayer have all been shown to initiate relaxation responses. Having one or more of these techniques at your disposal will come in handy when you experience a stressful thought or situation.

• Break down the feared event or activity into smaller parts and tackle them one at a time. While some fears can be taken on all at once, bigger ones might require you to take smaller steps. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking and have been asked to give a toast at a wedding in a few months, it might help to practice giving your speech to the mirror, a friend or partner, or a small group of friendly faces before the event. Each time you give it and are successful, your anxiety will lessen.

If your anxiety persists and is interfering with your life, seek professional help. The good news is that all anxiety disorders can be treated successfully.

Making Changes Stick

From Brad    

Change can be tough. Just ask Joseph. Last month he tipped the scales at 250 pounds and was diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes. His doctor warned him that he will face dire consequences unless he takes immediate steps to eat better, lose weight, and begin exercising. Unless he gets his diabetes under control, Joseph could quickly end up with heart disease, kidney damage, nerve damage, and blindness. But old habits are hard to break- even when we know better. Despite the best of intentions, Joseph just can’t seem to say no to fast food. Drive thru is just so convenient. Besides, healthy foods can be expensive and take a lot of time to prepare. Exercise is tough too. After all, Joseph works long hours and the free time he does have is spent taking care of the kids. It is so hard to get motivated.

Joseph is not alone. Many of us know we should make one or more changes in our lives. Perhaps the change is something we should do more of, such as exercising, eating healthier, or spending more time with family. Maybe the change is something we should do less of or not at all, such as smoking, overeating, or excessive spending. Most of us can identify something we know we should do differently. We can also give a laundry list of all the reasons we should make the change- to improve our health, to increase our lifespan, to improve our relationships. We know exactly what we should do, but we just aren’t able to make the change stick.

Research has shown that for change to occur, three conditions must be met. First, we must be sure that the change is important to make. After all, changing habits can take a great deal of time and effort. If there are no convincing benefits to making a change, it is just much easier to maintain the status quo. Second, we must feel confident that we have the ability to make the change happen. If we don’t believe we have the knowledge or skills it takes to make a change, it is likely that we won’t even bother trying. After all, it makes much more sense to just stay at home than start a journey to a destination we are convinced we can’t reach. Third, we must be mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to make the change.

The fact is, if there is something we know we should change but we haven’t done so, we may not be ready because we are actually ambivalent about making the change. There is part of us that wants to change, and part of us that doesn’t. While we can see benefits for moving forward, there is a payoff for staying exactly where we are. For Joseph, the idea of a longer and healthier life was certainly attractive. On the other hand, he resented the idea of having to cut back on eating the food he loves, one of his favorite pleasures, and just the idea of taking up jogging made his knees ache. To motivate ourselves towards change, it is helpful to acknowledge the benefits for our staying exactly where we are. Ignoring this reality can increase our chances of slipping back into old behaviors, as we may grow to resent the sacrifices we have made. Exploring our ambivalence, perhaps by making a list of pros and cons for making a change, can help us get clear about whether or not the change is important enough for us to make.

Here are some additional considerations in deciding whether to make a change and figuring out how to make a change stick.

 

No one can make you change. Whether you are getting pressure to change from a doctor, boss, partner, parent, or parole officer, no one can make the change for you. Ultimately, your life is your own, and you have the right to change your behaviors or not. Of course, on the right hand of freedom is responsibility. Your body, family, friends, or society might hold you accountable for your decision not to change.

Recognize that setbacks are normal. Ever made a New Year’s Resolution? Research shows that to sustain six months of change, the average person makes 3-5 years of consecutive pledges to change. Knowing that he may slip along the way will keep Joseph from feeling ashamed of himself on the day he says yes to a double cheeseburger. Shame is a poor motivator and typically results in longer and more extreme periods of regression.

Visualize what your life will look like after you make the change. Use words or pictures to create a clear vision of how you would like things to be after you have put the change in place. How will your life be improved? How will you feel? What will you do differently?

Think about a time in your life when you have been successful at making a difficult change. What resources did you use? What personal strengths did you call on to make it happen? Who was supportive of you making the change? How can you use your strengths and resources to help you reach your current goal?

The Tao Te Ching- an ancient Chinese Taoist text- asks: “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” Recent research has proven the wisdom of this approach. Successful change is all about timing. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush into making a change until you are ready to do so. There are benefits to embracing and exploring one’s ambivalence. There is much to be learned in the space between thought and action.

Resolving Unfinished Business

From Brad

     I settled into my seat as the professor began the lecture. As soon as he started talking, I started feeling uncomfortable. I shifted in my seat. With each word he spoke, I found myself feeling more and more nauseous. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. I began to sweat and feel dizzy. I wanted him to talk about something else. Within minutes I stood up and left the classroom. I went to the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach. I took a few deep breaths and splashed water on my face. I realized that if I ever wanted to be an effective psychologist, I would have to do something about how I felt. My professor was talking about how to help clients who are suffering with unresolved grief issues. Unexpectedly, I had been flooded by memories of something I hadn’t thought about in years. During the lecture, I flashed back to when I was 11 years old, and the moment I got the news that my older brother had died unexpectedly. It came as a total shock, and to cope I shut down and avoided thinking about it as best I could. While I had been a client in therapy for several years prior to the class, my brother’s death had never come up for me as an issue I needed to explore. However, in that moment, I realized that I had “unfinished business” surrounding his death and its impact on my life. I realized that if I wanted to move forward, both in my personal life and as a future psychologist, the unfinished business I had around his death would need to be resolved.

     “Unfinished business” is the phrase therapists use to describe the emotions and memories surrounding past experiences that a person has avoided or repressed. The feelings around the event are not fully processed at the time, often because they are too overwhelming or traumatic. Since they are unresolved, they linger in the background of a person’s heart and mind. When not appropriately expressed, the sadness, grief, fear, anger, anxiety, mistrust, or terror associated with these events are carried into our present lives where they interfere with our ability to be emotionally present in our current lives. Unfinished business limits our ability to connect with ourselves and others. Research has shown that unfinished business is associated with anxiety, depression, and interpersonal problems.

     Children instinctively know how to deal with difficult feelings. However, they are often taught by parents and society to not cry or be angry. As such, when difficult thoughts or feelings come up, many of us are trained to push them aside or avoid thinking about them. In fact, human beings are experts at finding ways to avoid uncomfortable feelings or dial down their intensity-- often resorting to things like alcohol abuse, smoking, compulsive eating, compulsive spending, to keep the volume down. However, these avoidance techniques only end up adding to our problems. While our ability to distance ourselves from painful feelings helps us survive in traumatic or overwhelming times, this same numbness can limit our ability to feel joy, love, peace and serenity when we are no longer in danger.

 

     But who wants to dredge up the past, especially the painful parts? Shouldn’t we just let bygones be bygones? Ironically, while we have a tendency to avoid unfinished business, the effects on our life persist until we face the issue and deal with the unexpressed feelings. There are many avenues for allowing these feelings to be addressed- including journaling, therapy, support groups, pastoral counseling, or a talk with a close friend. When we access these old memories, we are able to supplement them with new information and insights, and thus change the hold they have on our lives.

 

     Addressing my unfinished business with my brother did not change the reality of his passing, but it did significantly change my experience of his death. Prior to talking about it in therapy, I had no idea that I carried feelings of guilt and anger, as well as unexpressed sadness. By facing this very difficult experience I had tried to forget, and by fully experiencing the emotions I had about the event, I was able to release pent-up tears and express unacknowledged anger. Almost instantly, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from both my heart and mind. I was able to look at the experience in an entirely different light, allowing me to challenge some of the distorted lessons I learned about myself and life itself by my 11-year-old mind.

     While I will never be able to get my brother back, the intensity of the pain has diminished. By resolving my unfinished business around his death, I was able to get a part of me back that I thought had died with him. As a result, I believe I experience life more fully and with greater appreciation than I may have otherwise. While we can never change the past, resolving our unfinished business can improve our moods, lighten the load on our hearts and minds, improve our relationships, give us new understandings, and enhance our appreciation for the basic and fundamental aspects of life.

Good Parenting: It’s All About Style

From Brad

The long awaited day has finally arrived. Your child is born. As parents you finally get to take your baby home. It is all very exciting and joyful. As you walk in the door, you suddenly realize they didn’t give you an instruction manual. What do we do from here?

     Several decades ago, Psychologist Dr. Diane Baumrind identified four types of parenting styles. These styles were classified on two dimensions- warmth and control. Indulgent parents are loving and affectionate, but permissive and lenient. They don’t set limits. They avoid confrontations with their children, preferring to act more like a friend than guardian. Like indulgent parents, uninvolved parents avoid enforcing rules; however, they also don’t show love or affection. In the extreme, uninvolved parents neglect their children. It comes as no surprise that children of uninvolved parents tend to be the most troubled. Authoritarian parents are strict punitive. They demand obedience, but don’t show much warmth or affection. In terms of child adjustment, authoritative parents are the ideal parents. They set and enforce limits but are also very warm and loving.

     Surprising to many, the second worst parenting style is not the authoritarian parent, but the indulgent one. Children of indulgent parents may feel loved, but like children of uninvolved parents, they often exhibit behavior problems. Because they have never had to obey rules, they lack respect for authority. Since they can run roughshod over their parents, they don’t learn to regulate their emotions. As a result, they often experience anger problems and struggle in relationships. Indulgent parents often realize their mistake when in early adolescence their children begin disobeying curfew, skipping school, using drugs, and defying authority. Oftentimes teens of indulgent parents may perform well in academics, sports or the arts, but are secretly involved in risky behaviors without their parents’ knowledge. Unless indulgent parents are willing to set and enforce limits, society often has to step in and do it for them. The result can be traumatic for both the child and parents, and can result in arrest and incarceration. When the child is eventually locked up, he or she is often shocked, having never had to experience any real consequences before. This is a hard way to learn.  

     Indulgent parents are usually permissive because they want the best for their children. Sometimes they are reacting to overly strict parenting they received as children. They don’t want to stifle their children; instead they want to empower them. Some give their children excessive freedom due to guilt, perhaps trying to make up for an uninvolved parent. Without structure and consequences, however, indulgent parents hurt children more than authoritarian parents, who show little affection, but are strict and punitive. The children of authoritarian parents may also have relationship problems in the future, being unpracticed at giving and receiving love, but they typically comply with basic rules of conduct and do well in society.

     Children of authoritative parents tend to be the best adjusted. They feel competent and confident. They are well behaved, conscientious and socially skilled. What follows are suggestions for implementing an authoritative-type parenting style:

     Set limits. It is essential for your children to learn to follow rules. Structure makes the world predictable and helps them feel safe. Children crave it. It teaches them to control their behaviors and manage their emotions. When you do not set limits, your children are given more power then they have the skills or judgment to use appropriately.

     Enforce consequences. Children need to experience consequences for their misbehaviors. If you shield you children from this, you will set them up for failure. If your child swears at the principal and is suspended, it is not helpful for you to step in and try to circumvent the consequence. Doing so gives your child the message that he or she is above the law. Learning this is not true outside of the home can be profoundly painful for everyone. A better lesson is to hold him or accountable for swearing, and teach him or her better ways for expressing frustration.

     Rethink the use of corporal punishment. Research shows that punishing children through violent means increases the chances they will engage in delinquent behaviors, bully and victimize others, and experience mental health problems. The skillful use of time-outs and loss of privileges are equally effective in discouraging problem behaviors, and are not associated with such negative results.

     Give them time. Children grow up fast. You will never regret spending time with your children. They want time with you more than they want things. Get involved in their lives.

     Show affection. Hug your kids. Cuddle with them. Tell them you are proud of them for their unique talents and strengths. Tell them you are glad they were born. Never let a day go by without telling them you love them.

     Lack of parental affection and/or parental control leads to various levels of maladjustment for children. Children benefit most from parents who express affection and maintain and enforce rules. If you have trouble instituting an authoritative parenting style, consider seeking professional help. Someday, your children will thank you for it.

Financial Infidelity: The Little Green Lies We Tell

From Brad

Do you keep money secrets from your partner? Do you spend money without your partner’s knowledge? Do you hide your purchases from your partner? Do you tell your partner you spent less on something than you actually did? Do you have secret stashes of money that your partner knows nothing about? Have you made investment decisions behind your partner’s back?  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be putting your relationship at risk by committing acts of financial infidelity.

In a survey of 1,001 people commissioned by Money Magazine, forty percent of the respondents admitted that they have told their partner that they paid less for a purchase than they actually did. Sixteen percent confessed to buying something that they did not want their spouse to know about.

While both men and woman admitted to financial dishonesty, women were more likely to tell their husbands that they paid less than they actually did for clothing and gifts, while men minimized their spending on cars, entertainment, and sporting events. Almost twice as many men admitted that they had spent over $1,000 without their wife’s knowledge, while women were more likely to say that the most they had spent without telling their husbands was $100.

Forty-five percent of those who admitted being deceitful around spending stated that they were not honest about their spending in order to avoid their partner’s anger, disapproval or lecturing. In the same survey, 44 percent reported that they believe it is okay to keep financial secrets from their spouses.

It is not surprising that people keep secrets about money. Many couples avoid talking about money because it is such an emotionally loaded issue. If and when financial infidelity is discovered by one of the partners, it rocks the very foundation of their relationship. “If he/she is being deceitful about this, what else are they lying to me about?”

Financial infidelity is such a common issue in our work with couples that my father and business partner, Ted Klontz, Ph.D., and I developed a four step process for addressing financial infidelity in relationships, which uses the acronym SAFE:

  S: Speak Your Truth. Talking about money and our financial behaviors is a taboo topic in our culture. We find that people are often more willing to talk about their sex lives than their financial lives. Many of us carry significant shame around money, often because we think we have too much or too little. The first step to establishing financial safety in your relationship is to sit down with your partner and talk about money; what it means, your early money experiences, your preferred spending/saving style, and your financial goals.

  A: Agree to a Plan. Many acts of financial infidelity occur with couples who lack explicit agreed-upon strategies of spending and saving. A comprehensive spending plan is an essential component of a healthy financial relationship. It is helpful for couples to agree on the amount of money that each can spend without needing to consult with their partner. When a potential purchase goes above the agreed upon amount, the couple agrees to consult with each other prior to making the purchase.

  F: Follow the Agreement. It sounds simple, but this is the hard part. An agreement is only as good as a couple’s commitment to honoring it. It is helpful in the beginning to set up the agreement to be valid for the next 30-60 days. After the agreed upon period of time, the couple meets and answers these three questions: Is the plan working for me? Is it working for you? Is it working for our relationship? If either person in the couple answers “no” to any of these questions, the couple should renegotiate their plan.

  E: Establish an Emergency Response Plan. If couples find that they can’t talk about money without fighting, can’t come to an agreement, or can’t keep their agreements about money, they may be in trouble. As such, it is important to have an Emergency Response Plan, which goes into effect when these types of difficulties arise.  This plan identifies, ahead of time, what the couple will do when they arrive at an impasse. For example, when a couple cannot arrive at or adhere to a plan, the Emergency Response Plan might include an agreement to seek help from a psychologist, pastor, social worker, or marriage and family therapist.

With money being the number one cause of marital conflict and the number one cause of divorce in the early years of marriage, couples cannot afford to be financially unfaithful. Use the SAFE process to establish an agreement around money with your partner to maintain financial fidelity in your relationship.   

Putting off Procrastination

From Brad

Vacuuming the house. Filing taxes. Mowing the lawn. Returning phone calls. Starting a project at work. Writing your column for the Kauai Business Report. You know it needs to be done. You know you have to do it. The fact that it has not been completed nags at you. Sometimes it’s hard to enjoy the moment because you feel guilty that you have not finished the task. A sense of incompleteness is always in the back of your mind. You may spend more energy complaining about, feeling bad about, or avoiding the task than it would take to complete it, but you still put it off. Often you wait until the last possible moment to get it done, where you either come through with a nail-biting, flurried, and dramatic finish, or you end up falling flat on your face, promising yourself you won’t wait until the last moment next time. 

Research shows that 20% of adults admit to being chronic procrastinators, most of who believe procrastination is harmful and something they want to curtail. The word procrastination has its roots in Latin and means to put forth “in favor of tomorrow.” One of the first mentions of the problem of procrastination was in a speech by Cicero, a Roman Consul, in 44 B.C. He said, “In the conduct of almost every affair slowness and procrastination are hateful.” Procrastination was a human trait that Cicero found loathsome. Today’s social scientists are a bit nicer, but little more complimentary. They call procrastination a “failure of self-regulation,” or an “irrational delay of behavior.” Sounds pretty bad, eh? Well, it turns out it can be. Procrastination has been linked to poorer performance, lower ratings of personal well-being, and worsening medical conditions, as patients putt off seeking medical attention or putting healthy behaviors in place. Procrastination can also cost you money, both now and in the future. A recent survey by a major tax preparer estimated that the average American overpays $400 per year to the IRS due to procrastination, through errors made by a last minute rush to complete tax forms. Many people delay saving for their retirement, significantly limiting their resources, options, and freedom later in life.

If procrastination is so bad for us, then why do we do it? One reason is that we try to avoid tasks that we find unpleasant, or at least less pleasant than other options before us: “Watch a movie or scrub the toilet? Hmm, that’s a hard one.” We also tend to procrastinate when we think a task is going to be too difficult for us to accomplish: “Why start feeling overwhelmed and inept today if I can put it off until tomorrow.” Or maybe, “This task is too hard right now, maybe by some miracle it will get easier tomorrow”.  A more subtle and often less conscious reasons involved the idea of “self-handicapping,” or procrastinating to provide yourself with an ego-saving reason for possible failure: “I know I did not do so well, but after all, I only worked on it for a few hours.” Regardless of our reason for procrastinating, we usually end up regretting it. Here are some tips to help you putt off procrastination:

     1) Make a “to-do” list. Lists help you organize your thoughts. They help make them concrete. They can keep things from falling between the cracks. They help you prioritize. If you don’t want to make a “to-do” list, ask your spouse, partner, and/or parent to assist you with the task. I am sure they would be more than happy to write one for you.

     2) Break larger tasks into smaller parts. If a task feels too big it can feel overwhelming and you may be tempted to avoid starting it. Breaking larger tasks into smaller parts can make the task feel much more manageable. Successes on smaller tasks can bring you closer to your goal and inspire you to continue moving forward.

     3) Set deadlines for each step. The further away a deadline, the less motivated you will be to complete the task. Building in a series of deadlines for the smaller parts of the task can help keep you on track and help you avoid a last minute rush.

     4) Build-in a reward system. All work and no play is no way to spend a day. Brainstorm a list of things you like to do that you can use to reward yourself for meeting your daily objectives.

     5) Use the “Premack Principle,” otherwise know as grandma’s rule: “No dessert until you eat your vegetables.” The Premack Principle is a psychological tenet that states that a person is more likely to complete a less desirable behavior if, as a result of doing so, he or she can then engage in a more desirable behavior. We have rewarding activities built into our daily lives such as drinking a cup of tea or coffee, watching a favorite television show, reading a good book, or eating dessert. One way to put off procrastination is to delay doing something you enjoy until you have completed a task that you have been avoiding. Grandma knew that if you fill up on cake, you will have no stomach for dinner. The same is true for your reward system. Do the less pleasant task first, and then you are free to indulge in your daily pleasures.

Take these steps today to put off your procrastination. You may find that getting things done without the last minute rush can improve your performance, reduce your stress, and enhance your emotional well-being.

When Shopping Is Out of Control

From Brad

Annie knows better, but she just can’t stop. She has trouble driving past the mall without running in to buy something. Some days she spends more money than others, but rarely a day passes without her making an unneeded purchase. For the past few months, Annie has spent hours almost every day internet shopping- even when she is at work. She has credit card debt in the tens of thousands of dollars and has opened several credit cards that her husband doesn’t know about. To hide her shopping habit, Annie started having items mailed to her friend’s house. Annie typically has shopping bags hidden in her closet and in the trunk of her car. Most of the things Annie buys she has no need of or use for, and many items she ends up returning. Annie has broken promise after promise to herself and others to stop spending. She knows her spending is out of control. She shops to make herself feel better. She shops to fill the sense of emptiness she feels inside. It works, but only for a while. On the ride home from the store, or after opening her mail, Annie feels a flood of guilt, remorse, and self-loathing. To cope with these feelings Annie will often begin another cycle of buying. Annie suffers from what psychologists call “compulsive buying disorder.” 

   

Compulsive buyers can’t stop thinking about shopping. They obsess about it, experience irresistible impulses to buy and lose control of their spending. They shop to relieve stress and to deal with emotional pain. For compulsive shoppers, shopping becomes like a drug. Dopamine floods their brains when they think about and anticipate the pleasure they will feel when they shop. Shopping can offer a tremendous thrill for them and they often get the sensation of being high. Soon after, however, they feel the inevitable emotional crash resulting in low self-esteem and buyer’s remorse.     

For the compulsive shopper, buying is an addiction akin to alcoholism or drug dependency, with similar social and emotional consequences. Research shows that compulsive buyers experience more anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsiveness, and low self-esteem than non-compulsive buyers. When left untreated, compulsive buying can lead to excessive debt, financial strain, bankruptcy, relationship problems, divorce, problems concentrating at work, and in some cases, legal complications.

In a consumer oriented culture, compulsive buying is a relatively common problem.  Compulsive buying afflicts 1 in 20 people in the United States, which is approximately the same rate as that of depression.  Of the compulsive buyers, over 75% of them are woman.  The prevalence of compulsive buying also appears to be on the rise, especially among adolescents. A recent study of high school students found 44% meeting the criteria for compulsive buying.

Clinical psychologist, April Lane Benson, Ph.D., author of “I Shop Therefore I Am: Compulsive Buying and The Search for Self” suggests compulsive buyers stop and take some time to think before buying.  She recommends they ask themselves the following questions before making a purchase:

1) Why am I here?

2) What do I feel?

3) Do I need this?

4) What if I wait?

5) How will I pay?

6) Where will I put it?

Dr. Benson says that “pausing before you buy can really make a difference.”

If you are having difficulty controlling your spending, take Dr. Benson’s advice and create some space between your impulse to buy and your buying behavior.  Ask yourself if you are trying to fill an emotional need by making the purchase. If so, brainstorm some ways to better meet your emotional need, such as taking a walk, talking to a friend, journaling about your thoughts and feelings, or having a good cry. If you do go shopping, make sure to take cash and leave the credit cards at home. Research shows we spend 30% less when we buy with cash. Compulsive buying, like most other addictive and compulsive disorders, can be successfully treated with a variety of approaches including psychotherapy, psychotropic medications, and support groups such as Debtors Anonymous. Fortunately, Annie asked for help before it was too late. Take some time to examine your spending habits as you move into the New Year. If you try these suggestions and still have trouble controlling your spending, consider seeking professional help.

When the Holidays Don’t Feel So Happy

From Brad

I haven’t seen a Hallmark card yet that tells the whole story about the holiday season.  So allow me to say what everyone is thinking. The holiday season is stressful. If you are fortunate enough to have a break from work for the holidays, you will prob ably spend a good portion of your time planning, shopping, cooking, shopping some more, baking, putting up decorations, wrapping gifts, getting the house ready for guests, some more last minute shopping, and entertaining family and friends. And as we all know, time with relatives can be good, but it doesn’t always feel good. Unfinished business between family members tends to surface in times of stress, and the holiday season provides us with ample time and opportunity for these unresolved issues to surface. When the guests leave, the remainder of your vacation is spent taking down decorations, cleaning, and gearing up for the New Year- just in time to go back to work.  Then, a few weeks later you get the huge credit card bill in the mail. Whew! It hasn’t even happened yet and I am stressed. I can see why Hallmark goes a different direction with their greeting cards.

     In a recent survey, the American Psychological Association (APA) found that women report more stress than men during the holidays. During the holidays women are less likely to take time to relax or manage their stress in healthy ways. This might be explained by the intensified focus on food and family during the holidays. The pressure to put together a perfect holiday experience for children, spouse, and family puts a burden on women in more traditional family roles-- especially woman who are burning the candle at both ends by also acting as bread winners. 

     Often, both men and women rely on unhealthy ways of coping with stress. In times of stress we have a tendency to drink more alcohol, smoke more cigarettes, overeat, eat junk food, skip meals, or pick fights with loved ones. Our physical health suffers. Our emotional well-being suffers. Our relationships suffer. Finding healthy ways to manage stress is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle and a happier holiday season. The APA recommends the following tactics for dealing with holiday stress:

     1)  Define holiday stress: People experience stress differently. How do you experience stress? Do you notice stress by changes in your body (e.g., a stiff neck, headaches), thoughts (e.g., constant worrying, negative thoughts about yourself or others), or behaviors (e.g., trouble sleeping, short temper)?  Does that experience change during the holidays?

    2)  Identify holiday stressors: What holiday events or situations are most stressful for you? Are they related to work, home, relationships or something else?  What about these events, situations, or relationships are stressful?

     3)  Recognize how you deal with stress: Make a list of the things you do or don’t do to manage stress. Determine if you are relying on unhealthy behaviors like smoking, drinking or eating to manage stress. Is this a behavior you rely on year-round, or is it specific to holiday stress?

     4)  Change one behavior at a time: Unhealthy behaviors develop over time and become habits. Replacing unhealthy habits with healthy ones requires time, effort, and commitment. Start small and focus on changing one behavior. Your success will help inspire you to make additional changes.

     5)  Take care of yourself: Taking care of yourself during the holiday season helps you keep your mind and body ready to deal with stress. If you are worried about pleasing everyone else, it is easy to lose focus on your own needs and feelings. Take time to engage in holiday activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Don’t take a break from regular exercise. Eat healthy. Make sure you get enough sleep.

     6)  Ask for support: Accepting help from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens your ability to deal with stress. Use the holidays to reconnect with friends and family and strengthen your support network. If you feel overwhelmed by stress, consider seeking professional help from someone trained to understand the connection between the mind and body. A professional mental health provider can offer strategies to help you manage stress, change unhealthy behaviors, and address emotional issues.

     I am not sure who to blame for giving birth to the misconception that we are only supposed to have good feelings during the holiday season. (I can’t put all the blame on the greeting card writers). In addition to increased stress, please know that it is okay to have feelings of loneliness, sadness, and grief during the holidays. In fact, it is normal to have these feelings heightened during the holiday season as we take time to reflect on our lives, past, present, and future. If these feelings arise for you, take time to honor your feelings in whatever way feels right …writing, sharing with a friend, or expressing them in another helpful way.

     Amidst the hustle and bustle, don’t put too much pressure on yourself this holiday season. You are enough and you have done enough. Take time to breathe deeply, ask for help, and give yourself the precious gift of spending quiet time reflecting on all your blessings.