Little Kids, Chickens, and My Brain

From Ted

 

I went to a nursery school the other day with a friend to pick up her two-year old.  As we approached the classroom, I noticed the lights were out.  Looking in the window I could tell it was ‘quiet time’.  All the little ones were lying down on tiny mats, which were strategically placed around the room so as to provide enough distance so they couldn’t see each other and thus be able to rest.

I was sort of surprised when my friend opened the door, walked in and greeted her son.  Within minutes all the kids were up; talking, chatting, and moving around the room.  I was thinking that the children must not have wanted to be left out of the action.  They were coming up to the various adults in the room with innumerable requests to ‘have’ this, or ‘show’ that.

In that moment, the noise level from the kid’s behaviors of “look at me” and “notice me” reminded me of when, as a youngster, one of my jobs was to sleep with the chickens during the Greene County Fair.  My grandfather was the head of the poultry department and for the 6-day run of the fair one of my duties was to feed and water, what seemed to be a hundred chickens, twice a day.  The other duty was to try to sleep in the chicken barn, right amongst them, once the fair closed down for the night to make sure no one broke in and created any chaos. 

As I remember it, the chickens would finally get quiet shortly after the carnival rides finally closed down for the evening, which was at 1:00AM or so.  I would crawl onto my cot, and try to go to sleep.  It never failed that about 4:00AM there would always be one rooster that would start the day off by letting loose one long loud crow.  Hoping against hope, I would lie there and pray that the other chickens wouldn’t follow suit, but it never happened.  Within 10 minutes every chicken in the place was doing their ‘chicken thing’, so I would get up and begin watering and feeding them all the while wishing for more sleep.  Because once awake, there was no getting them to go quiet again. 

What do these two stories have to do with anything?  During these interesting economic times I have been frequently asked for my opinion on how things got to be this way.  So many people, doing so many self-destructive and self-defeating things financially.  What I have concluded is that the worse thing that we as human beings can imagine is to be left out.  So, if it seems that a number of our friends are doing something (buying a ‘hot’ stock, flipping houses, buying things they can’t afford with credit cards, etc.) and it seems to be working for them, like the little kids and the chickens we want to be a part of the ‘flock’, desperately not wanting to be forgotten.

40,000 years ago being banned, shunned or forgotten by the group would have meant certain death.  The more stress we experience (i.e. stress about not belonging or having a place to belong) the more this primitive part of our brain still operates as if this is true and dominates our thinking and our choices.

Financial Enabling

From Ted

I’m often asked what financial enabling looks like.  The most recent example I’ve run across occurred last week.  I had dinner the other night with a man I will call Martin; a man that I have known for more than a decade.  He asked me what was on the cutting edge of my work with money.  After my sharing that, Martin told me that what was on the cutting edge of his behaviors around money.

It seems that recently his 23 year old son was drunk once again and wrecked his car.  It was the fifth car he had wrecked.  It was the fifth car his dad had purchased for him.  Martin was trying to resist purchasing another car and was also feeling some pressure to buy a better house for his son, his son’s wife and their four children.

His son has been involved with alcohol and other drugs for nearly a decade going through a number of treatment centers.  His son and his family live in a small two bedroom home.  Now his unemployed son has nothing to drive, so that if he wanted to work he would have to walk, get a ride, ride a bicycle, etc.  Worse yet, Martin’s grandchildren and daughter-in-law are profoundly affected by his son’s choices over the years.

Martin has several million dollars that he has earned by working and investing wisely over the last 30 years.  On one hand Martin’s clear experience has been that when he has used his money in an attempt to bail out his son, every attempt to help has ended in a disaster, with each one being worse than before.  On the other hand Martin has the money to help his son and his family. 

Martin knows that bailing his son out yet again would probably not help in the long run and yet he struggles to make a decision.  Why is that?  Without knowing Martin better it would be hard to say for sure, but my experience tells me that very often there are significant levels of guilt and shame for not being a better parent throughout the years.  Unconsciously, money is used in an attempt to “make up for” these mistakes.  Money is used in an unsuccessful attempt to buy a sense of forgiveness and peace. Another source of the struggle is that Martin has more than he needs, making it very difficult not to help when he has so much. 

Martin’s past behavior is a perfect example of financial enabling.  Enabling always has unexpected and unintended consequences.  Though well-meaning, by financially supporting his son’s inappropriate behaviors Martin is actually reinforcing them.  By his behaviors, Martin is denying his grandchildren a father.  He is robbing his son of his self-worth. 

Helping Clients Change: 21st Century Tools from a 19th Century Fable

April, 2007

This is an article we recently published in the Journal of Financial Planning:

Helping Clients Change: 21^st Century Tools from a 19^th Century Fable

by Rick Kahler, CFP, CCIM, ChFC; Ted Klontz, Ph.D., CSAT III, CET II; and Brad Klontz, Psy.D., CSAC

Changing Destructive Money Behaviors: It is Not About the Money

From Brad

Let's face it, we all know the basics about what we need to do with money- save more, spend less than we make, stick to a budget, make a will, etc. However, more of this type of nuts-and-bolts information about money is not going to help us until we are ready to use it.

So what keeps us from doing what we KNOW we need to do around money?

A recent survey by the American Psychological Association showed that 73% of Americans identify money as the #1 stressor in their lives, above issues like children, work and health. Statistics reveal that the average family carrying a credit card balance owes more than $9,000. Also, did you know that last year more children watched their parents go through bankruptcy than go through a divorce! And this from one of the wealthiest nations in the world!

Many of us erroneously believe that the answer to our financial woes is to have more money. But research is very clear that there is no significant correlation between money and happiness once a household's income is above $50,000 (enough to care for basic needs), and as America has gotten wealthier, we have also seen corresponding increases in the prevalence of depression and despair.

Our problems with money are NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, and that is why more information about money won’t help!

Our problems ARE about our RELATIONSHIPS WITH MONEY.

Until we understand this and begin to explore our personal and generational history around money; examine, challenge and change our maladaptive money scripts, and heal our related emotional wounds, we will continue to operate in an unconscious and self-defeating manner around money.

Ebenezer Scrooge, from Charles Dickens' “A Christmas Carol”, is the ultimate model of how this type of transformation can take place (www.wisdomofscrooge.com). Scrooge experienced a “wake up” call from the Ghost of Jacob Marley, showing him the agony that awaits him if he doesn’t change his ways. The Ghost of Christmas Past took him on a journey to visit his painful childhood, during which he expressed repressed feelings and gained new insights related to how his past shaped his money beliefs and behaviors. This freed him up to see the world with clarity, guided by the Ghost of Christmas Present. The Ghost of Christmas Future showed him what would happen if he didn’t externalize with real life action his newly experienced internal transformation!

If one of the most despised characters in English literature can change, so can we all! But we have to be willing to wake-up and take the journey!

My Big Mistake

From Brad

The Big Mistake = moving a significant portion of one’s wealth into or out of the market at one time in an attempt to capitalize on the next big market trend.

I have to admit it. I made the Big Mistake. It was at the tale end of the tech bubble in 2000. I had just graduated from graduate school and for the first time in my life, I had some money I could begin investing. I was watching all my friends with no background in finance or investing make big money trading stocks. In some cases, they didn’t even know what a ticker symbol stood for, what the company did, or anything about the company’s financials, but they were still making money! Sitting on the sidelines, I felt a combination of envy, anxiety and urgency. The train was moving and I was watching it go by! I was missing out!

In a desperate moment I sold my truck and bought some technology stocks! I was making money too! I was on the train and it was burning up the tracks. It was pure exhilaration! Well, at least for a few months or so, then the train hopped the tracks and wrecked. When it was all said and done, I lost half of the money I had invested. I wasn’t alone.

As I wrote about in our book, The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge, this incident, although painful, was my Jacob Marley. It opened my eyes to some of my dysfunctional money scripts and spurred my desire to learn and growth. This lesson has come in handy for me as I have watched many people around me, with no background in real estate make big money “flipping” property. As their equity has increased, I have watched people take out 2nd mortgages on their homes and invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in the stock market, and in some cases, spend it on cars, clothes, fancy food and vacations. I have also noticed many of the real estate pundits singing the same songs I heard experts singing during the tech rally in the late 1990’s: “There is no bubble.” “This is a whole new market.” “Historical data does not apply today.”

While watching the real estate market explode around me, at times I have felt that familiar combination of feelings- envy, anxiety and urgency. However, I am happy to say I have not moved half of my fortune into this hot real estate market. My work with my money scripts has allowed me to stay true to my disciplined asset allocation and investment strategy. 

I have a hunch I will be glad I did!

Financial Planning Basics and Beyond

We have always been suspect of any advice, "cure," or solution that can be summarily packaged in some type of checklist. You should be, too. But, we are challenged with the task of helping people to understand how they can get help in a brief, digestible "bite." With millions of websites, thousands or cable channels, terrestrial and satellite radio, and actual newspapers and magazines, it's pretty amazing that you made it here!

That said, we encourage you to take a leap of faith and take a look. These 7 Keys to Financial Health will give you some idea of what Klontz Coaching and Consulting is all about. And remember, this is a blog, let's discuss it! The full text is available here http://www.klontzcoaching.com/Products.htm, but here is a snapshot:

1. A Healthy Money Relationship

2. A Conscious Cash Flow

3. Asset and Income Protection

4. A Sound Investment Strategy

5. A Life Aspiration Plan

6. Legacy Planning

7. Maintenance and Support

Want to learn more? You can't afford NOT to have this remarkably insightful document. http://www.klontzkahler.com/products.html