Achieve Greater Success with a Mentor

From Brad

The best and brightest among us have them. In fact, it is difficult to find a successful man or woman who does not. They may be acquaintances, family members, neighbors, or friends. They go by many different names and titles--mentor, coach, advisor, guide, teacher, counselor, or trainer. Or they may be hired professionals. Tiger Woods, thought by many to be the greatest golfer of all time, has a golf coach. Imagine that--the best golfer in the world taking instruction from a coach who he could easily defeat on the golf course. NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon has a team of coaches. Former number one tennis great and winner of eight Grand Slam singles titles, Andre Agassi, worked with a coach throughout his career. Professional boxers work with an entire team of trainers and coaches who are in their corner. Bill Gates, one of the wealthiest men in the world was mentored by none other than Warren Buffett, one of the most successful stock market investors in history. Did Warren Buffett have a mentor? You bet he did. Warren Buffett was mentored by Benjamin Graham, author of the Intelligent Investor, the father of modern security analysis and value investing.

Why do the best performers have mentors?  Master performers recognize that it can be difficult to see their own limitations. They also know that an objective observer can more easily identify these roadblocks to success. For example, men have a tendency to attribute excessive blame for failure on factors outside of themselves (e.g. “The wind was blowing too hard,” or “Those people don’t know a good thing when they see one,”), while women have a tendency to overestimate the degree to which they are at fault (e.g. “If only I were stronger/smarter/etc.”). Both errors can have a negative impact on performance, and can be hard to see from the inside. Secondly, exceptional performers know that there is always room for improvement, even when they are the best in the world! Finally, because they are human, even masters go through periods of crisis, slumps, downturns, where they perform below their peak. Mentors help them through these difficult times.

All master performers started out as rookies. Natural talent, desire, and dedication are not enough. They must be coupled with knowledge, skill, and confidence that are best achieved under the guidance of coaches and mentors. Human beings have been perfecting certain skills and mindsets through the centuries. It has often been said that there is no such thing as an original thought, illustrating the idea that humankind has a massive collective store of knowledge. Thus it is beneficial to anyone trying to achieve a particular goal to tap into this collective wisdom. Regardless of the complexity of the situation you face, or the goal you would like to achieve, others have successfully navigated similar situations in the past. Rather than starting out on a journey towards a destination without a map or compass, following a process of trial and error, one of the most efficient ways to achieve a goal is by looking to a guide who has already made the journey.

So how do you go about finding a mentor? First, it is important to decide what you would like to achieve. Are you looking to rise in your profession, expand your business, improve your relationships, enjoy greater physical, emotional, or financial health, or improve your overall performance? Or are you looking to gain a specific set of knowledge or skills, such as learning to play the guitar, getting a grip on your finances, improving your speaking skills, or learning about good nutrition? Once you have decided what you would like to achieve, set your intention on finding someone who has already achieved this goal, is farther ahead in achieving the goal than you are, or has helped others to achieve it.

There is a Buddhist proverb that says “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” Once you have set your goal and you are committed to finding a mentor, you are well on your way to achieving your goal. When you open your mind to finding a mentor, you may be surprised to learn that you already have this teacher in your life--an acquaintance, friend, or family member--but perhaps you have not utilized them as a resource. Or maybe you can identify a person you’ve heard of, who has achieved what you would like to achieve, to ask for guidance. Many master performers will make use of several mentors or trusted advisors, each with an expertise in a particular area that is important to their success. You can improve your performance by either hiring a professional mentor or contacting someone you don’t know asking them to share with you some insight, wisdom, or advice. While you might be hesitant to ask someone for this type of support, rest assured that there is no greater compliment you can give than to recognize someone’s achievements and to ask them for guidance. If they can’t take on another mentee or client, they may be willing to refer you to someone they recognize as equally effective. Streamline your efforts, improve your life, and increase the likelihood of achieving your goals by finding a mentor. You won’t regret it!

Standard VS Metric

From Ted

A theme that keeps presenting itself in my work with couples, is the baffling reality that the ‘tools’ that many people use to be incredibly successful in their professional lives, are absolutely guaranteed to mess up an intimate relationship.  I have the opportunity to work with some of the most successful professional people in the world.  They are almost as equally unsuccessful in their personal relationships and this is a mystery to them.

The metaphor that I use to try to explain this phenomenon is that if one thinks of tools, (i.e. wrenches, sockets, etc.) there are two different sizing mechanisms.  One type is known as ‘American standard sizes ( ½ inch, ¼ inch, etc.) based upon the ‘inches’ standard.  The other type is known as ‘metric’ tools, (10 millimeter, 15 millimeter, etc.) based on the metric system.  Though they look the same, though they are used in the same applications, (tightening up or loosening nuts and bolts) they are not interchangeable.  If one tries to use a standard tool on a metric nut or bolt, if they even come close to fitting, they will end up damaging or destroying the metric nut or bolt.  This destruction comes from using the very same tool that would be so successful with a metric bolt.

Many people who have a successful work life are very adept at using the ‘standard’ tools.  When they come home and try to use the same tools, they find that they don’t work.  Relationships require ‘metric’ tools.  For example, I have a client who is very successful and is paid very, very well for coming into companies and telling them what to do.  He is in high demand and the companies are very grateful for his advice.  He is very adept at using ‘standard tools’ if you will.  When he comes home and tells his family members what to do he can’t understand why it doesn’t help and in fact makes things worse.  The ‘metric tools’ we gave him consisted of teaching him how to listen; how to really listen instead of offering advice.  He needed to put away the ‘standard’ tool box when he came home.       

Once clients understand to look for ‘metric’ requirements while interacting with loved ones, it is a very simple task to make the switch.  Relationship coaching and therapy provide the ‘metric’ tools that allow people to be successful at home and work because they have more tools in their tool box. 

Pronoia

From Ted

Pronoia. I recently ran across the term in a journal I was reading. It is a play on the word paranoia. As I read about pronoia’s premise, it made about as much sense to me as the premise of paranoia.

Paranoia is based on the belief that there are elements of the universe (people, institutions, corporations) that somehow conspire to make my life difficult. Pronoia, on the other hand, is based on the notion that forces in the universe are aligned to allow me a life of great comfort and meaning.

The concept of pronoia vs. paranoia suggests that it is simply my perception of what is happening that determines whether or not I come to the conclusion that the world is conspiring against me or for me. For example:

The rude, unfriendly, humorless airport security guard? Paranoia says “Why did he pick me out to do a further screen?” Pronoia says “Wow, the universe cares about my well-being so much that it has put this person into my life to protect me and allow me to travel safely so that I can continue to be a blessing to my friends and family.”

The loud mouth at the next table? Paranoia asks “What gives that jerk the right to spoil my dinner?” Pronoia says “This man was put before me at this moment in time by the universe to remind me of how it feels to others when I am acting that way.”

The 35 MPH driver in a 50 MPH speed zone? Paranoia says “Why does this always happen to me?” Pronoia says “The universe put this person in front of me so that I can avoid an accident that would happen if I were going faster.”

In his popular book, The Four Agreements, Jose Luis Ruiz suggests that we “take nothing personally.” That is good advice when I can do it. When I can’t help but take something personally, I try to practice pronoia.

I Hate My Life

From Ted

I was reminded of having spoken these words when a friend of mine recently said “I hate my life!” She was embarrassed to have said those words and immediately argued that she should be happy and feel grateful, and she couldn’t understand where that thought had come from.

In that moment I clearly remembered uttering those same infamous words myself. My wife and I were returning to the airport after having visited our son and his fiancée for two weeks at their home in Hawaii (parental obligations are sometimes stressful like this but visiting your children it is the right thing to do so we have learned to grin and bear it). We were all just chatting and wondering when we could get together next, when seemingly out of nowhere the words “I hate my life” came tumbling out of my mouth. It is one thing to think something like that and then decide to share it out loud, but it is quite another thing to have the words expose such a raw pain before I had any conscious thought precede them.

I was very embarrassed. I quickly said “I don’t mean that. I don’t know where that came from. I love my life.”

I am not sure if I convinced anyone else in the car with that attempted repair, but I certainly didn’t fool myself. The thought was scary. My wife was a part of my life. My son and daughter were a part of my life. My business was a part of my life. My home. My friends. If I in fact hated my life, where did all of that fit? I was appalled at what I had said. To say the trip home was uncomfortable for me would be a significant understatement. What did it mean that I hated my life? What parts? The whole thing? Some of it? Most of it? Is it possible to hate some of your life and love others at the same time? How do I sort all of that out?

Well as we tell our clients, we sort it out like someone would eat an elephant- one bite at a time. Slowly, over the next few months (with lots of support, coaching, and tolerance-especially from my wife) I began to realize that there were parts of my life that I absolutely loved. Most important of these was my relationships with my wife and kids. I discovered the parts I hated were related to the work I was doing. Not all of my work, but different pieces of my work life. As I unraveled the ball of string that was my life (that was a metaphor that I visualized representing the life I had constructed), I was able to sort out what I wanted to keep just as it was, what I wanted to let go of, and that which I wanted to change. It was, at times, a scary, challenging and difficult task. Other times it was exciting and energizing. As I slowly began to act on my new awareness, I discovered I had more and more energy and enthusiasm for life, my creativity blossomed, and my life took on an exciting flavor.

So, if I ever hear myself mutter something like “I hate my life,” rather than be afraid, I will recognize that a part of me is trying to get my attention and let me know that I need to make some changes. Better yet, I hope to be more attentive to how my life feels in the moment so I won’t have to yell at myself to wake myself up the next time.

Unexpressed Expections lead to Premeditated Resentments (UE=PR)

From Ted

I am not a mathematical person.  I missed the first 8 weeks of Algebra when I was in Junior High School, and decades later I am still scrambling to master the language of math.  However, I can understand one simple but dangerous formula: UE=PR.  I am currently working with a family who has been victimized by unknowingly mastering the use of this formula.

This formula’s meaning?  Unexpressed Expectations lead to Premeditated Resentments.

How does this work?  Here’s an example: Let’s imagine that I have an unspoken expectation that my sister will invite me to her house for a party she is hosting.  I don’t tell her that I want to come, figuring that if she wants me to be there she will invite me.  After all, I’m not going to go begging to her or anybody.  Now my sister doesn’t know that I want to come, because in the past I have told her that I hate parties. When I don’t get an invitation to her party I feel hurt, betrayed, ignored, unimportant, depressed, and angry.  Of course my sister will feel the effects of these feelings, but not know the cause of them (unless I tell my wife of my hurt and she then let’s my sister know, which is called triangulation, another cancer that damages and destroys relationships). 

So in the end I have damaged my relationship with my sister, believing it was her fault for not including me.  It takes as certain level of insight and a dedication to self-discovery to be willing to look at my part of this situation, and come to understand that in this case, I am the source of my own pain.  I caused this pain by not being open with my sister regarding my desire to attend her party (I did drop “hints” though).

My experience in working with relationships is that the formula UE=PR is present at significant levels, contributing to unnecessary pain in relationships.  Experience has taught me that as people become more open about their expectations with each other they end up getting more of what they want and the relationship flourishes.

So the next time you are disappointed in someone else’s behavior, ask yourself this question: “Did I make my wishes, desires, hopes, and expectations clear?”  If you think you did, check in with the other person. Did they get the message you were sending?  My guess is, probably not. 

Putting Insomnia to Rest

From Brad

Putting Insomnia to Rest

Chris can’t fall asleep. She has spent the past three hours in bed tossing and turning.  She finds herself staring at the shadows on her wall and ceiling, and watching the minutes turn to hours on her clock.  With her alarm set to go off in a couple of hours, Chris’s chance at a good night’s sleep is slipping away.  Tonight is not the first night’s sleep that has eluded Chris.  She has slept only a few hours a night for the past month.  She has tried several remedies-- watching television, reading, listening to music-- but nothing seems to work.  For the past several weeks she has slipped into a fitful sleep just a few hours before her alarm goes off.  Chris starts her day groggy and irritable.  Her performance at work has been suffering as a result.  Her fatigue makes it difficult to think clearly and stay focused on the job, and she finds herself nodding off at her desk and even during meetings.

Chris is not alone.  Studies have shown that 30-50% of adults experience some type of insomnia, with approximately half of all sufferers reporting sleep difficulties on a regular basis.  Insomnia can come in several different forms: difficulty falling asleep, falling asleep quickly but waking a few hours later unable to go back to sleep, or light and fitful sleep without ever achieving deep, restorative sleep.  Insomnia can be caused by poor sleep habits, stress, anxiety, depression, physical pain, or food or beverages that have stimulants or cause indigestion.  While often a symptom of something else, insomnia can become a problem in its own right, leading to a range of other symptoms. 

To combat insomnia, people often set an initial goal of making themselves fall asleep.  However, sleep is a spontaneous event and trying to force oneself go to sleep is an exercise in futility.  Ironically, the very act of “trying” to fall asleep will end up keeping a person awake.  Psychologist Dr. Gregg Jacobs, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of “Say Goodnight to Insomnia” (1998, Owl Books), warns of other common “solutions” that are bound to backfire: using alcohol to fall asleep (which actually suppresses deep sleep), using caffeine to wake up, going to bed earlier, sleeping in later, or reducing exercise due to feelings of fatigue. 

If possible, it is good to avoid taking sleeping pills.  In fact, the Food and Drug Administration has recently confirmed reports of strange nighttime activity of some users who take some of the more popular sleep medications.  These activities, which users do not remember doing when they awaken, have involved things like “sleep driving” and nighttime food binges.  Behavioral interventions can be even more effective than sleeping pills and do not carry the same complications.  If you have difficulty sleeping, consider the following recommendations to help you put your insomnia to rest:

1. If sleep does not come within 30-40 minutes, get out of bed.  Don’t spend hours tossing and turning.  Get up, go to another room, and engage in a calm, quiet, and soothing activity.  When your eye lids get heavy, return to bed.

2.  Learn to associate your bed with sleep-- no eating, television watching, planning the next day or arguing with your partner.  Use your bed for sleep or for loving activities only.

3. Stop watching television or engaging in any other stimulating activity at least thirty minutes before bedtime.

4. Remove the clock from sight.  Staring at the clock and watching the minutes and hours tick away will only leave you feeling anxious or frustrated.

5. Don’t eat, exercise, or consume caffeinated beverages for at least four hours before bedtime. 

6. If you find yourself ruminating about to-do lists, worries or concerns, or can’t take your mind off of distressing thoughts or images, consider going to another room and taking time to write down your thoughts.  Sometimes putting thoughts down on paper makes it easier to let them go and can quite often help quiet the mind.

7. Practice meditation or pray if you are so inclined: The basics of meditation are simple and involve the practice of quieting the mind and letting go of thoughts.  A common form of meditation involves counting breaths: 1 as you inhale, 2 as your exhale, 3 as you inhale, 4 as you exhale, etc., until you reach 10, then starting over at 1.  As thoughts come and your mind wanders from your task, gently return your attention to your counting and breathing.  Keep doing this and you will eventually fall asleep.  If not, you may attain enlightenment, which isn’t bad either!

If your insomnia persists or is severe, it is likely a symptom of some underlying medical or emotional concern that needs more attention.  If so, schedule a visit with your physician or psychologist. 

       

Dr. Brad Klontz is the 2007 President-Elect of the Hawaii Psychological Association and coauthor of The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge.  He can be reached by e-mail at brad@klontzcoaching.com.  For free, confidential referrals to a psychologist in your area, contact the HPA online at www.hawaiipsych.org or call (808) 521-8995.

Helping Clients Change: 21st Century Tools from a 19th Century Fable

April, 2007

This is an article we recently published in the Journal of Financial Planning:

Helping Clients Change: 21^st Century Tools from a 19^th Century Fable

by Rick Kahler, CFP, CCIM, ChFC; Ted Klontz, Ph.D., CSAT III, CET II; and Brad Klontz, Psy.D., CSAC

Spirituality, Lakota Style

From Ted

After a presentation I gave in South Dakota a number of years ago, a Native American man came up to me and said rather bluntly: “You have trouble with this spirituality thing don’t you?”  I answered that in fact I did have trouble with it.  He said: “Let me show you how we view spirituality.”  He then took both my hands into his and said: “Can you feel my hands?”  “Sure,” I replied.  He then removed his hands from mine.  He asked if I could feel the difference between when he held my hands and when he didn’t.  I told him that I could.  He replied: “That is what Spirituality is to us.  When we sense the connection between ourselves and any other part of creation we know that we are in a spiritual moment, and, in fact, we are a spiritual being.”

After being raised within a shaming and often abusive religiosity, and as a result having found myself often turning away from religion, this moment represented an earth shattering shift for me.  There are many times now when I feel connected to a source greater than me; when I walk, as I talk to a friend or family member, as I work, I am often aware of feeling “connected,” realizing I am a spiritual being immersed in a spiritual moment. 

Taking responsibility

From Ted

Within the last year it has become clear to me that the primary source of any interpersonal pain that I am experiencing derives from one of two sources.  In the first case I haven't asked for what I want in a way that is clearly understood by the other person.  The source of pain is my inability or unwillingness to express myself in a way that can be truly understood.  The second source of pain emerges when I may have been clear with the person about what I want or need but he or she is either incapable or unwilling to give it to me.  The source of my pain in this case is my unwillingness to accept the truth.  I keep hanging on because I don't want to accept an answer I don't want to hear.

I must admit that at times I wish that I didn't have this awareness.  It is often easier to blame someone else for my uncomfortable feelings.

However, my conclusion is this:  Other people are not the source of my pain.  I am.

It's all in the technique

From Ted

I was surprised last week when one of our clients, during an appearance on Larry King, mentioned something that I had said to her about her parenting.  She told Larry that I said that while she had one of the biggest and most loving hearts for he children, her technique(s) for showing that love was seriously flawed (actually that is not exactly what I said, but repeating it here in print wouldn’t have the same effect as it does in person).

Like most lessons, I learned this for myself the hard way.  When I was a young non-custodial father, I was ‘fathering’ the best way I knew.  I thought I was doing better than most of the other fathers that I knew in similar situations.   As a kid, I had grown up knowing how miserable and lonely it felt to never have any influence in determining my fate so I knew that giving children no choices wasn’t the right way to be with my 7 and 9 year-old children.  So, I ended up giving them choices that went far beyond their ability to choose.  While I didn’t allow them to choose to sit in the middle of the road or other dangerous behaviors, I did give them choices like whether or not they wanted to come over on my visitation day.

This resulted, more times than not, in my receiving a last minute phone call informing me that they didn’t want to come over.  I would swallow hard, and say “OK”.  I wanted them to like me, to feel like they had choices, even though I missed them.  One day, as I was relating these ‘fathering’ principles to my therapist, she remarked, “That’s a mistake. One of these days your kids are going to say you didn’t love them enough to make them come over”.  Right there and then I decided that the therapist was an idiot.  She had never met my children.  She had never seen us interact.  What could she possibly know about how they would react someday?

Two days later I received yet the latest phone call from my daughter, cancelling our time together.  They were going to go shopping with Grandma my daughter said.  Rather than say “OK”, I said “Well, OK, but it has been a long time since I have seen you and I miss you.”  My daughter said “Don’t give me that, you don’t care about me”, and slammed down the phone. 

Instead of my children celebrating how much I loved them by not making them come see me, they were getting the message that I didn’t care!  

The therapist had been right.  I went back to her like a dog with its tail between his legs and related the story.  She just nodded her head in understanding.  I wondered out loud whether or not there were some other things I needed to learn.  She started to laugh.  I discovered that most of what I was trying to do to ‘make up’ for my childhood experiences with my children was 180 degrees away from what they needed.  My heart was in the right place, but my technique, well, let’s just say, my technique was lacking.  That day I became a totally committed student of parenting and I am happy to say I am still learning.