Face Your Fears

From Brad

The thought alone can keep you up at night. It makes your heart pound, your palms sweat, and your stomach tighten. You try to avoid thinking about it, and may go to great lengths to keep from seeing it or experiencing it. It is what you fear most. Depending on your life experience it could be almost anything. Common fears include flying, snakes, spiders, heights, elevators, large crowds, or public speaking. Many fears are universal and shared by most human beings. They are the result of an evolutionary learned survival response that kept your cave-dwelling ancestors alive. For example, it is beneficial to your survival to be afraid of things that can harm you, such as poisonous animals, large predators, or closed spaces where you would be unable to escape if attacked. Other fears are conditioned responses from your own life and may be the direct result of a traumatic event you have experienced. For example, you might feel anxious about driving after being in a car accident, fear storms after living through a tornado or hurricane, or fear close relationships after being hurt by someone you trusted.

   

Sometimes, however, our fears can take on a life of their own. They can become excessive and irrational, far surpassing their usefulness. We may generalize them to situations in which we are perfectly safe. When fears are exaggerated and interfere with one’s normal routine or quality of life, they may constitute an anxiety disorder. Some anxiety disorders are related to specific fears like those mentioned above, and others are less specific. We may have an entire menu of worries that we shuffle through from moment to moment and day to day. We may experience panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed and immobilized by anxiety, a racing heart, chest pains, shortness of breath, and fear we are dying or going crazy. In this case, the fear of having a panic attack becomes the thing that we fear most, and to avoid shame or embarrassment we may decide it is best if we don’t leave home.

With anxiety disorders, a situation, event, or fear trigger is interpreted as life threatening when it is not likely to cause us harm. The intensity of our anxiety surpasses the degree of threat we are facing or are likely to face. When our brains interpret a situation as threatening, we are biologically hardwired to have a fear response that sends chemicals throughout our body mobilizing us to fight or flee. As such, we try to escape the situation, push through it, or become frozen in fear.

It makes total sense to avoid thinking about, seeing, touching, or experiencing the things that scare us. After all, that is what we are conditioned to do. However, when fears are irrational or are interfering with our quality of life, avoiding them just feeds them and keeps them locked firmly in place. When it comes to overcoming our fears, avoidance is our worst enemy. Ironically, the only way to overcome a fear is to face it. This sounds scary at first, but the fact is all of us have overcome many fears in our lives, and that is exactly how we did it. For example, think back to a time in your life when you were nervous or fearful about trying something new. Maybe it was your first day at school, interviewing for a job, trying out for a sport, going on a first date, or giving a speech. After taking the plunge, chances are your worst fears were not realized, or if they were, you survived them anyway. This gave you a mastery experience and boosted your confidence, or at worse taught you at least one way you shouldn’t approach a challenge next time. This same technique can be used to tackle the most debilitating anxieties. But just like walking into class and meeting your teacher and classmates for the very first time in elementary school, it takes courage.

 

Here are some suggestions for helping you face your fears:

• Pay attention to what you say to yourself about the feared thing or situation. Typically we don’t stop to observe the chatter between our ears. When we don’t pay attention to our automatic self-talk we are at its mercy.

• Evaluate the accuracy of your thinking. Just because it pops into your head doesn’t mean it is true. What is the evidence that your assumption is true or not true? Is there a better explanation? What’s the worse thing that could happen? Could you live through it? What’s the most realistic thing that will happen? If a friend or loved one was in this situation and had this thought, what would you tell him or her?

• Practice using relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, meditation, calming self-talk, and prayer have all been shown to initiate relaxation responses. Having one or more of these techniques at your disposal will come in handy when you experience a stressful thought or situation.

• Break down the feared event or activity into smaller parts and tackle them one at a time. While some fears can be taken on all at once, bigger ones might require you to take smaller steps. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking and have been asked to give a toast at a wedding in a few months, it might help to practice giving your speech to the mirror, a friend or partner, or a small group of friendly faces before the event. Each time you give it and are successful, your anxiety will lessen.

If your anxiety persists and is interfering with your life, seek professional help. The good news is that all anxiety disorders can be treated successfully.

Water into Wine: Pens into Pencils

From Ted

I was sitting in the immaculate office of a friend of mine talking with her, when I happened to glance down and noticed a neat row of pens on her very orderly desk.  There was something not quite right about them though and I looked again.  They weren’t pens, they were mechanical pencils!  With erasers on the end!!  That had been used!!!  Not one pen to be seen anywhere on her desk.

I asked her what was up with the pencils and she explained that the older and more experienced she gets, the less she knows for certain and the more her life is done in pencil. 

What made this so ironic a moment was that for the last few years I have been using, almost exclusively, you guessed it, mechanical pencils, for exactly the same reason.  Until that moment, I didn’t know anyone else had been having that experience as well.

I don’t think she had either, judging by the energy unleashed as we excitedly told each other of the things in our life that had taught us this “The older I get, the less I am absolutely certain about anything, so rather than be disappointed let’s do life by pencil” lesson. 

I was listening to another colleague a few weeks later and she were talking about how as she was getting older, she noticed how much more certain of everything she was becoming.  The war in Iraq.  Where the economy was going.  What life had in store for her.  Certain about everything.  I have found that this kind of certainty is very common in people my age.  That’s one of the reasons I hid the fact that I was doing life in pencil these days.

Since she knew I was about her age, she asked me if I wasn’t finding that to be true also.  After a long pause, I told her that I was finding out the exact opposite.  I told her about my movement from pens to pencils and how that seemed to be what I was most certain of.  She looked at me a bit puzzled as if evaluating our relationship (the way someone might when they just noticed that you have a third eye on your face), and promptly changed the subject.   My experience with people my age is that there are more like her than there are like me regarding the “pencil-ness” of life.  I have been around people who as they aged became more and more dogmatic about what is good.  What is the absolute truth.  What should happen.   Who should do it.  What is right.  What is wrong.

There is a part of me that wishes for that certainty.  It would make things a lot easier.  It is scary sometimes to live in the “I don’t really know” place when others around seem so certain.  But not a very big part.  There is a much larger part of me that wants to keep opening up to new truths, new challenges to my old beliefs, to new ways of seeing the world, especially from the young souls my life is gifted with.  See, when I have something written down in pencil and it doesn’t end up happening, I simply erase what I thought was going to happen and, Wallah, a space opens up for what is.  No need to hang on to anything.  No need to waste precious time arguing about what was supposed to happen.  No need to waste energy resisting what has already happened. 

So, just as it has been called a miracle that water was turned into wine, I consider it a miracle that I have been converted from pens into pencils.  I’m grateful.  The only problem is that I can never remember where I put the dang thing!!!! 

Putting off Procrastination

From Brad

Vacuuming the house. Filing taxes. Mowing the lawn. Returning phone calls. Starting a project at work. Writing your column for the Kauai Business Report. You know it needs to be done. You know you have to do it. The fact that it has not been completed nags at you. Sometimes it’s hard to enjoy the moment because you feel guilty that you have not finished the task. A sense of incompleteness is always in the back of your mind. You may spend more energy complaining about, feeling bad about, or avoiding the task than it would take to complete it, but you still put it off. Often you wait until the last possible moment to get it done, where you either come through with a nail-biting, flurried, and dramatic finish, or you end up falling flat on your face, promising yourself you won’t wait until the last moment next time. 

Research shows that 20% of adults admit to being chronic procrastinators, most of who believe procrastination is harmful and something they want to curtail. The word procrastination has its roots in Latin and means to put forth “in favor of tomorrow.” One of the first mentions of the problem of procrastination was in a speech by Cicero, a Roman Consul, in 44 B.C. He said, “In the conduct of almost every affair slowness and procrastination are hateful.” Procrastination was a human trait that Cicero found loathsome. Today’s social scientists are a bit nicer, but little more complimentary. They call procrastination a “failure of self-regulation,” or an “irrational delay of behavior.” Sounds pretty bad, eh? Well, it turns out it can be. Procrastination has been linked to poorer performance, lower ratings of personal well-being, and worsening medical conditions, as patients putt off seeking medical attention or putting healthy behaviors in place. Procrastination can also cost you money, both now and in the future. A recent survey by a major tax preparer estimated that the average American overpays $400 per year to the IRS due to procrastination, through errors made by a last minute rush to complete tax forms. Many people delay saving for their retirement, significantly limiting their resources, options, and freedom later in life.

If procrastination is so bad for us, then why do we do it? One reason is that we try to avoid tasks that we find unpleasant, or at least less pleasant than other options before us: “Watch a movie or scrub the toilet? Hmm, that’s a hard one.” We also tend to procrastinate when we think a task is going to be too difficult for us to accomplish: “Why start feeling overwhelmed and inept today if I can put it off until tomorrow.” Or maybe, “This task is too hard right now, maybe by some miracle it will get easier tomorrow”.  A more subtle and often less conscious reasons involved the idea of “self-handicapping,” or procrastinating to provide yourself with an ego-saving reason for possible failure: “I know I did not do so well, but after all, I only worked on it for a few hours.” Regardless of our reason for procrastinating, we usually end up regretting it. Here are some tips to help you putt off procrastination:

     1) Make a “to-do” list. Lists help you organize your thoughts. They help make them concrete. They can keep things from falling between the cracks. They help you prioritize. If you don’t want to make a “to-do” list, ask your spouse, partner, and/or parent to assist you with the task. I am sure they would be more than happy to write one for you.

     2) Break larger tasks into smaller parts. If a task feels too big it can feel overwhelming and you may be tempted to avoid starting it. Breaking larger tasks into smaller parts can make the task feel much more manageable. Successes on smaller tasks can bring you closer to your goal and inspire you to continue moving forward.

     3) Set deadlines for each step. The further away a deadline, the less motivated you will be to complete the task. Building in a series of deadlines for the smaller parts of the task can help keep you on track and help you avoid a last minute rush.

     4) Build-in a reward system. All work and no play is no way to spend a day. Brainstorm a list of things you like to do that you can use to reward yourself for meeting your daily objectives.

     5) Use the “Premack Principle,” otherwise know as grandma’s rule: “No dessert until you eat your vegetables.” The Premack Principle is a psychological tenet that states that a person is more likely to complete a less desirable behavior if, as a result of doing so, he or she can then engage in a more desirable behavior. We have rewarding activities built into our daily lives such as drinking a cup of tea or coffee, watching a favorite television show, reading a good book, or eating dessert. One way to put off procrastination is to delay doing something you enjoy until you have completed a task that you have been avoiding. Grandma knew that if you fill up on cake, you will have no stomach for dinner. The same is true for your reward system. Do the less pleasant task first, and then you are free to indulge in your daily pleasures.

Take these steps today to put off your procrastination. You may find that getting things done without the last minute rush can improve your performance, reduce your stress, and enhance your emotional well-being.

A Horse Is Just A Horse Of Course, Unless…….

From Ted

There was a TV show, “Mr. Ed” that featured a horse, named appropriately enough, Mr. Ed.  One of the premises of that show was that quite often horses possessed more common sense than their human counter parts.   Mr. Ed’s owner, Wilbur, was a perfect example. 

I had my own “Mr. Ed” experience a number of years ago.  We were putting together a workshop that featured ‘co-staff’ members of the four-legged variety.  In putting the workshop together I was using myself as a kind of lab rat so that we could experience from the inside out what we would be asking clients to do.

The setting was the late spring sun of the Southern Arizona Sonoran desert.  The temperature was in the high 90’s on its way to the triple digit level. (But it is a dry 107 degrees as the locals like to say.) The interaction between me and “Mr. Ed”, a Belgian draft horse, began with the instructor suggesting that the very first thing that I should do was to make sure that Mr. Ed’s hooves were clear of mud and debris.  This was to be accomplished by going over to the 1,200 pound animal and coercing it to stand on three legs while I looked at and with a metal pick, and then use said pick to clean out the hoof of the remaining leg.  The instructor demonstrated how easy it was, asked for any questions (I had none, after all how hard could it be?  Besides he had shown me how to do it once and I felt lucky that he had gone that far). 

So the drama began.  I tried everything I knew to get that horse’s leg up.  I approached him gently, I approached him with firmness, I approached him with lots of self-confidence, and I approached him with pleading, praying, and submission.  Every way I could think of I tried.  By now better than 30 minutes had gone by.  I was soaked.  I was sweating through pores I didn’t know I had.  Totally frustrated, I finally asked the instructor to help me, even though I knew that in doing so I would be considered a loser.  His response was “I wondered how long you would keep working at this without either quitting or asking for help”  He went on to say “In all my years, I have never seen anyone try so consistently and be so consistently unsuccessful”.

He said “How can I help?”  “Show me again, how to do this”.  I watched intently as he went over to Mr. Ed touched his leg, and like magic, up comes the hoof.  I said “Show me again”.  He did.  I said “Show me again”.  He did.  I asked him to do this three more times.  Amazingly he didn’t yell, scream, or call me names.  He just did as I asked.

After the last demonstration, I went over to Mr. Ed, touched his leg and like magic he handed me his hoof.  I went to each of the other legs, and the same thing happened.  Like magic the hoof ended up in my hand. 

I looked at some of the other horses, and I said “Show me how to get that horse’s leg up”.   He, without complaint or judgment did as I had asked.  I must have lifted and cleaned out half a dozen other horses’ hooves.

In processing this experience, what I realized was that when I was a little guy growing up on the family farm, I was lucky if I was shown how to do something once.  More commonly, I was just supposed to know.  I learned very early on that to ask for help meant to be ridiculed.  I had no idea that I had carried that ‘lesson’ into my adult life.  I had no idea that the thought of asking for help was not even present in my adult coping tool box. 

What this Mr. Ed experience taught me was that asking for help was last on my list of options for problem solving.  How much of my life had I wasted trying to figure things out on my own?  How many opportunities had I missed because I didn’t think to ask for help?  What had I unconsciously taught me children about asking for help?

That experience changed my life. I learned that in some cases, with some people it is ok to ask how, even if they have already shown you.  Even if they have already told you.

It would be dreaming to think that asking for help would be the first thing I would think of in situations I find myself in today, but I have, without shame, pulled that tool out many times in subsequent years.  As much as I could have?  As much as I should have?  Probably not, but a lot more than ever before.

So, as the Mr. Ed theme song went “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to (or, in my case learn from) a horse, of course, that is of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed”.      

Pronoia

From Ted

Pronoia. I recently ran across the term in a journal I was reading. It is a play on the word paranoia. As I read about pronoia’s premise, it made about as much sense to me as the premise of paranoia.

Paranoia is based on the belief that there are elements of the universe (people, institutions, corporations) that somehow conspire to make my life difficult. Pronoia, on the other hand, is based on the notion that forces in the universe are aligned to allow me a life of great comfort and meaning.

The concept of pronoia vs. paranoia suggests that it is simply my perception of what is happening that determines whether or not I come to the conclusion that the world is conspiring against me or for me. For example:

The rude, unfriendly, humorless airport security guard? Paranoia says “Why did he pick me out to do a further screen?” Pronoia says “Wow, the universe cares about my well-being so much that it has put this person into my life to protect me and allow me to travel safely so that I can continue to be a blessing to my friends and family.”

The loud mouth at the next table? Paranoia asks “What gives that jerk the right to spoil my dinner?” Pronoia says “This man was put before me at this moment in time by the universe to remind me of how it feels to others when I am acting that way.”

The 35 MPH driver in a 50 MPH speed zone? Paranoia says “Why does this always happen to me?” Pronoia says “The universe put this person in front of me so that I can avoid an accident that would happen if I were going faster.”

In his popular book, The Four Agreements, Jose Luis Ruiz suggests that we “take nothing personally.” That is good advice when I can do it. When I can’t help but take something personally, I try to practice pronoia.

I Hate My Life

From Ted

I was reminded of having spoken these words when a friend of mine recently said “I hate my life!” She was embarrassed to have said those words and immediately argued that she should be happy and feel grateful, and she couldn’t understand where that thought had come from.

In that moment I clearly remembered uttering those same infamous words myself. My wife and I were returning to the airport after having visited our son and his fiancée for two weeks at their home in Hawaii (parental obligations are sometimes stressful like this but visiting your children it is the right thing to do so we have learned to grin and bear it). We were all just chatting and wondering when we could get together next, when seemingly out of nowhere the words “I hate my life” came tumbling out of my mouth. It is one thing to think something like that and then decide to share it out loud, but it is quite another thing to have the words expose such a raw pain before I had any conscious thought precede them.

I was very embarrassed. I quickly said “I don’t mean that. I don’t know where that came from. I love my life.”

I am not sure if I convinced anyone else in the car with that attempted repair, but I certainly didn’t fool myself. The thought was scary. My wife was a part of my life. My son and daughter were a part of my life. My business was a part of my life. My home. My friends. If I in fact hated my life, where did all of that fit? I was appalled at what I had said. To say the trip home was uncomfortable for me would be a significant understatement. What did it mean that I hated my life? What parts? The whole thing? Some of it? Most of it? Is it possible to hate some of your life and love others at the same time? How do I sort all of that out?

Well as we tell our clients, we sort it out like someone would eat an elephant- one bite at a time. Slowly, over the next few months (with lots of support, coaching, and tolerance-especially from my wife) I began to realize that there were parts of my life that I absolutely loved. Most important of these was my relationships with my wife and kids. I discovered the parts I hated were related to the work I was doing. Not all of my work, but different pieces of my work life. As I unraveled the ball of string that was my life (that was a metaphor that I visualized representing the life I had constructed), I was able to sort out what I wanted to keep just as it was, what I wanted to let go of, and that which I wanted to change. It was, at times, a scary, challenging and difficult task. Other times it was exciting and energizing. As I slowly began to act on my new awareness, I discovered I had more and more energy and enthusiasm for life, my creativity blossomed, and my life took on an exciting flavor.

So, if I ever hear myself mutter something like “I hate my life,” rather than be afraid, I will recognize that a part of me is trying to get my attention and let me know that I need to make some changes. Better yet, I hope to be more attentive to how my life feels in the moment so I won’t have to yell at myself to wake myself up the next time.

Denial, It's Just Something We Do!!!

From Ted

Sometimes I get in trouble when I don't see what is really happening around me; when I don't see and acknowledge what is right before my eyes. When I finally do see it, usually after suffering a significant amount of pain, I spend a lot of time and energy asking myself mostly unhelpful critical questions like, "Why am I so blind", "How could I have missed that", even calling myself names like "Stupid", etc.

Have you ever done that?

I learned something recently that helped me give myself, and others, a bit of a break from this critical self-talk. I recently went to my ophthalmologist to check out a 'floater' that suddenly appeared in one of my eyes. My floater was a black hairy looking thing that I could see when I looked up from reading. It seemed to be about a half inch long, and looked like an inverted eyelash.

When I went to the eye doctor he said, "Yep, I can see what you are talking about". He went on to say, "After a few weeks you won't notice it anymore".

I asked, "You mean it goes away?"

He said "No, it doesn't go away, it will always be there, it is just that after a while your brain will just choose to not see it any more".

I was stunned.

I walked out of his office realizing for the first time, that denial is a normal human function. It was as if my brain was having a conversation with itself that went something like this. "Well there it is (the floater), there is nothing I can do to change it, it doesn't seem to be hurting anything, so I will just choose to pretend it isn't there".

Then I thought to myself, if my brain makes decisions to do that with something like a floater, I guess I shouldn't judge myself so harshly for automatically using the same coping mechanism in other aspects of my life.