FPA's NorCal Conference

Ted will be a speaker at the FPA's 36th Annual NorCal Conference on May 27-28, 2008 in San Francisco.  His session is designed to give participants the rationale for and share some practical ideas about how, with a greater degree of intentionality and skill, they might more effectively enhance their client’s decision making process.

Managing Difficult Feelings

From Ted

One of my clients recently asked me to share with them ideas on how to manage their anger.  My theory is that denying or holding on to a feeling like anger simply makes it stronger.  Feelings like anger (and all the others) have their origin with some kind of a physical sensation.  A recent study was able to document that a sensation always precedes a person’s awareness of a feeling.

A tightness in the gut, heaviness in the chest, a tingling in the arms, a pain in the neck, and so on.  Those sensations are messages from our bodies, telling us that something is going on that needs our attention.  My experience is that most of us are not very tuned into those messages, mostly missing them all together.  The body will not be denied, however, and such unacknowledged initial messages grow in intensity and finally register in our awareness as a “feeling”, usually a pretty big one, and quite often a difficult one, such as anger, fear, depression, etc.

I encourage clients to participate in activities and exercises designed to help them become more aware of the initial sensations, so as to make choices earlier in the process.  By doing so, one has many more choices than if they wait until the sensation becomes a full fledged feeling.

So back to the client’s question?  How to explain this rather dense concept?

Being a person of metaphors (you may remember the old saying “A picture is worth a thousand words”, you may not be as familiar with “A metaphor is worth a thousand pictures”), I remembered that when typing on my Blackberry the way to capitalize a letter (make it go from ‘a’ to ‘A’ for example) is to simply hold down on the key an extra long time.  ‘So the way to keep an ‘a’ (a pain in the gut) from becoming an ‘A (anger at another person) is to pay attention to the ‘a’ when it first shows up. Much easier said than done for the average person, myself included.

Redemption

From Ted

A friend called me from London and asked if I would consider presenting at a conference she was helping organize, called “Be the Change”.  She knew of our work and our book, “The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge” that uses Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol” to explain our perspective of how to help people change their destructive financial behaviors.

After quite an extended and engaging conversation, she asked if it would be possible to make my points during the presentation without mentioning the name of Scrooge, our book, or the Christmas Carol metaphor.

Somewhat taken aback, I thought, “Here I will be in London, the home of Charles Dickens, the source of much of his work, and they don’t want me to mention him at all? What’s that all about?”

So, I asked why.  She said “The people who will be attending are very informed, caring, evolved, involved people”, and finished that statement with an adamant “We are not Scrooges!!!”

My response was, “I know you, and if the people who will be attending the conference are anything like you, you are all in fact, very much Scrooge like.”

 

After a very long silence, she responded with a measured coldness that I had not encountered before, “What do you mean?” 

I said “You are very much like Scrooge, the Scrooge at the end of the story.” 

Another long silence and she said “I never thought of Scrooge that way.”

I went on to say that I saw the story of Scrooge as one of redemption and one that gave great hope for all of us no matter how old we were and how fixed we were in our ways.

Her initial reaction to the story of Scrooge is actually very common.  For some reason, very few people consider Scrooge to be an enviable man, yet by the end of the story he has become as good a person as can be imagined.

The moral of this story for me?  Redemption.  I ask for people to judge me on how I am today, rather than judge me for how I might have been in the past; in other words asking them to give me the gift of redemption.  I too am frequently challenged to give that gift to others who have hurt or betrayed me.

Good Parenting: It’s All About Style

From Brad

The long awaited day has finally arrived. Your child is born. As parents you finally get to take your baby home. It is all very exciting and joyful. As you walk in the door, you suddenly realize they didn’t give you an instruction manual. What do we do from here?

     Several decades ago, Psychologist Dr. Diane Baumrind identified four types of parenting styles. These styles were classified on two dimensions- warmth and control. Indulgent parents are loving and affectionate, but permissive and lenient. They don’t set limits. They avoid confrontations with their children, preferring to act more like a friend than guardian. Like indulgent parents, uninvolved parents avoid enforcing rules; however, they also don’t show love or affection. In the extreme, uninvolved parents neglect their children. It comes as no surprise that children of uninvolved parents tend to be the most troubled. Authoritarian parents are strict punitive. They demand obedience, but don’t show much warmth or affection. In terms of child adjustment, authoritative parents are the ideal parents. They set and enforce limits but are also very warm and loving.

     Surprising to many, the second worst parenting style is not the authoritarian parent, but the indulgent one. Children of indulgent parents may feel loved, but like children of uninvolved parents, they often exhibit behavior problems. Because they have never had to obey rules, they lack respect for authority. Since they can run roughshod over their parents, they don’t learn to regulate their emotions. As a result, they often experience anger problems and struggle in relationships. Indulgent parents often realize their mistake when in early adolescence their children begin disobeying curfew, skipping school, using drugs, and defying authority. Oftentimes teens of indulgent parents may perform well in academics, sports or the arts, but are secretly involved in risky behaviors without their parents’ knowledge. Unless indulgent parents are willing to set and enforce limits, society often has to step in and do it for them. The result can be traumatic for both the child and parents, and can result in arrest and incarceration. When the child is eventually locked up, he or she is often shocked, having never had to experience any real consequences before. This is a hard way to learn.  

     Indulgent parents are usually permissive because they want the best for their children. Sometimes they are reacting to overly strict parenting they received as children. They don’t want to stifle their children; instead they want to empower them. Some give their children excessive freedom due to guilt, perhaps trying to make up for an uninvolved parent. Without structure and consequences, however, indulgent parents hurt children more than authoritarian parents, who show little affection, but are strict and punitive. The children of authoritarian parents may also have relationship problems in the future, being unpracticed at giving and receiving love, but they typically comply with basic rules of conduct and do well in society.

     Children of authoritative parents tend to be the best adjusted. They feel competent and confident. They are well behaved, conscientious and socially skilled. What follows are suggestions for implementing an authoritative-type parenting style:

     Set limits. It is essential for your children to learn to follow rules. Structure makes the world predictable and helps them feel safe. Children crave it. It teaches them to control their behaviors and manage their emotions. When you do not set limits, your children are given more power then they have the skills or judgment to use appropriately.

     Enforce consequences. Children need to experience consequences for their misbehaviors. If you shield you children from this, you will set them up for failure. If your child swears at the principal and is suspended, it is not helpful for you to step in and try to circumvent the consequence. Doing so gives your child the message that he or she is above the law. Learning this is not true outside of the home can be profoundly painful for everyone. A better lesson is to hold him or accountable for swearing, and teach him or her better ways for expressing frustration.

     Rethink the use of corporal punishment. Research shows that punishing children through violent means increases the chances they will engage in delinquent behaviors, bully and victimize others, and experience mental health problems. The skillful use of time-outs and loss of privileges are equally effective in discouraging problem behaviors, and are not associated with such negative results.

     Give them time. Children grow up fast. You will never regret spending time with your children. They want time with you more than they want things. Get involved in their lives.

     Show affection. Hug your kids. Cuddle with them. Tell them you are proud of them for their unique talents and strengths. Tell them you are glad they were born. Never let a day go by without telling them you love them.

     Lack of parental affection and/or parental control leads to various levels of maladjustment for children. Children benefit most from parents who express affection and maintain and enforce rules. If you have trouble instituting an authoritative parenting style, consider seeking professional help. Someday, your children will thank you for it.