Standard VS Metric

From Ted

A theme that keeps presenting itself in my work with couples, is the baffling reality that the ‘tools’ that many people use to be incredibly successful in their professional lives, are absolutely guaranteed to mess up an intimate relationship.  I have the opportunity to work with some of the most successful professional people in the world.  They are almost as equally unsuccessful in their personal relationships and this is a mystery to them.

The metaphor that I use to try to explain this phenomenon is that if one thinks of tools, (i.e. wrenches, sockets, etc.) there are two different sizing mechanisms.  One type is known as ‘American standard sizes ( ½ inch, ¼ inch, etc.) based upon the ‘inches’ standard.  The other type is known as ‘metric’ tools, (10 millimeter, 15 millimeter, etc.) based on the metric system.  Though they look the same, though they are used in the same applications, (tightening up or loosening nuts and bolts) they are not interchangeable.  If one tries to use a standard tool on a metric nut or bolt, if they even come close to fitting, they will end up damaging or destroying the metric nut or bolt.  This destruction comes from using the very same tool that would be so successful with a metric bolt.

Many people who have a successful work life are very adept at using the ‘standard’ tools.  When they come home and try to use the same tools, they find that they don’t work.  Relationships require ‘metric’ tools.  For example, I have a client who is very successful and is paid very, very well for coming into companies and telling them what to do.  He is in high demand and the companies are very grateful for his advice.  He is very adept at using ‘standard tools’ if you will.  When he comes home and tells his family members what to do he can’t understand why it doesn’t help and in fact makes things worse.  The ‘metric tools’ we gave him consisted of teaching him how to listen; how to really listen instead of offering advice.  He needed to put away the ‘standard’ tool box when he came home.       

Once clients understand to look for ‘metric’ requirements while interacting with loved ones, it is a very simple task to make the switch.  Relationship coaching and therapy provide the ‘metric’ tools that allow people to be successful at home and work because they have more tools in their tool box. 

Comments

[Jonathan Sibley]

I like your metaphor and I imagine it makes sense to a lot of clients. I wonder whether there isn't an added bonus, though, that our clients can find ways to use the new "metric" tools that are effective at home at some places at work. Did your client who learned to listen ever find that helped at work, too? Maybe it's more like 90% of the bolts are American standard and 10% are metric at work and vice-versa at home?

[ted klontz]

Jonathan,
Absolutely, thanks for that contribution.

[Lynne Stevens]

This must be why my husband often asks me to treat him as I do my clients. Sometimes I remind him that he isn't paying me as well! Obviously, he sees the respect I am capable of giving to others and naturally wants to be respected by me as well.