Putting off Procrastination

From Brad

Vacuuming the house. Filing taxes. Mowing the lawn. Returning phone calls. Starting a project at work. Writing your column for the Kauai Business Report. You know it needs to be done. You know you have to do it. The fact that it has not been completed nags at you. Sometimes it’s hard to enjoy the moment because you feel guilty that you have not finished the task. A sense of incompleteness is always in the back of your mind. You may spend more energy complaining about, feeling bad about, or avoiding the task than it would take to complete it, but you still put it off. Often you wait until the last possible moment to get it done, where you either come through with a nail-biting, flurried, and dramatic finish, or you end up falling flat on your face, promising yourself you won’t wait until the last moment next time. 

Research shows that 20% of adults admit to being chronic procrastinators, most of who believe procrastination is harmful and something they want to curtail. The word procrastination has its roots in Latin and means to put forth “in favor of tomorrow.” One of the first mentions of the problem of procrastination was in a speech by Cicero, a Roman Consul, in 44 B.C. He said, “In the conduct of almost every affair slowness and procrastination are hateful.” Procrastination was a human trait that Cicero found loathsome. Today’s social scientists are a bit nicer, but little more complimentary. They call procrastination a “failure of self-regulation,” or an “irrational delay of behavior.” Sounds pretty bad, eh? Well, it turns out it can be. Procrastination has been linked to poorer performance, lower ratings of personal well-being, and worsening medical conditions, as patients putt off seeking medical attention or putting healthy behaviors in place. Procrastination can also cost you money, both now and in the future. A recent survey by a major tax preparer estimated that the average American overpays $400 per year to the IRS due to procrastination, through errors made by a last minute rush to complete tax forms. Many people delay saving for their retirement, significantly limiting their resources, options, and freedom later in life.

If procrastination is so bad for us, then why do we do it? One reason is that we try to avoid tasks that we find unpleasant, or at least less pleasant than other options before us: “Watch a movie or scrub the toilet? Hmm, that’s a hard one.” We also tend to procrastinate when we think a task is going to be too difficult for us to accomplish: “Why start feeling overwhelmed and inept today if I can put it off until tomorrow.” Or maybe, “This task is too hard right now, maybe by some miracle it will get easier tomorrow”.  A more subtle and often less conscious reasons involved the idea of “self-handicapping,” or procrastinating to provide yourself with an ego-saving reason for possible failure: “I know I did not do so well, but after all, I only worked on it for a few hours.” Regardless of our reason for procrastinating, we usually end up regretting it. Here are some tips to help you putt off procrastination:

     1) Make a “to-do” list. Lists help you organize your thoughts. They help make them concrete. They can keep things from falling between the cracks. They help you prioritize. If you don’t want to make a “to-do” list, ask your spouse, partner, and/or parent to assist you with the task. I am sure they would be more than happy to write one for you.

     2) Break larger tasks into smaller parts. If a task feels too big it can feel overwhelming and you may be tempted to avoid starting it. Breaking larger tasks into smaller parts can make the task feel much more manageable. Successes on smaller tasks can bring you closer to your goal and inspire you to continue moving forward.

     3) Set deadlines for each step. The further away a deadline, the less motivated you will be to complete the task. Building in a series of deadlines for the smaller parts of the task can help keep you on track and help you avoid a last minute rush.

     4) Build-in a reward system. All work and no play is no way to spend a day. Brainstorm a list of things you like to do that you can use to reward yourself for meeting your daily objectives.

     5) Use the “Premack Principle,” otherwise know as grandma’s rule: “No dessert until you eat your vegetables.” The Premack Principle is a psychological tenet that states that a person is more likely to complete a less desirable behavior if, as a result of doing so, he or she can then engage in a more desirable behavior. We have rewarding activities built into our daily lives such as drinking a cup of tea or coffee, watching a favorite television show, reading a good book, or eating dessert. One way to put off procrastination is to delay doing something you enjoy until you have completed a task that you have been avoiding. Grandma knew that if you fill up on cake, you will have no stomach for dinner. The same is true for your reward system. Do the less pleasant task first, and then you are free to indulge in your daily pleasures.

Take these steps today to put off your procrastination. You may find that getting things done without the last minute rush can improve your performance, reduce your stress, and enhance your emotional well-being.

Chasing Rainbows

From Ted

We were in Kauai, Hawaii recently to among, other things, attend our son’s wedding.  As we traveled around the island, it happened to be one of those days where it seemed like every 20 minutes another beautiful unexpected rainbow would appear.  Once we actually saw a double rainbow.  As I thought about how beautiful they were and how fortunate that I was present to be able to witness them, I stumbled upon the realization that rainbows are always present.  Whether I see them or not is determined by where I am. 

Then I thought more globally about my life.  There are probably always rainbows in my life, even in the stormy times, if I am in the correct position to recognize them.  That seemed to be an important reminder of just how important perspective is to the quality of my life’s experience.

A Horse Is Just A Horse Of Course, Unless…….

From Ted

There was a TV show, “Mr. Ed” that featured a horse, named appropriately enough, Mr. Ed.  One of the premises of that show was that quite often horses possessed more common sense than their human counter parts.   Mr. Ed’s owner, Wilbur, was a perfect example. 

I had my own “Mr. Ed” experience a number of years ago.  We were putting together a workshop that featured ‘co-staff’ members of the four-legged variety.  In putting the workshop together I was using myself as a kind of lab rat so that we could experience from the inside out what we would be asking clients to do.

The setting was the late spring sun of the Southern Arizona Sonoran desert.  The temperature was in the high 90’s on its way to the triple digit level. (But it is a dry 107 degrees as the locals like to say.) The interaction between me and “Mr. Ed”, a Belgian draft horse, began with the instructor suggesting that the very first thing that I should do was to make sure that Mr. Ed’s hooves were clear of mud and debris.  This was to be accomplished by going over to the 1,200 pound animal and coercing it to stand on three legs while I looked at and with a metal pick, and then use said pick to clean out the hoof of the remaining leg.  The instructor demonstrated how easy it was, asked for any questions (I had none, after all how hard could it be?  Besides he had shown me how to do it once and I felt lucky that he had gone that far). 

So the drama began.  I tried everything I knew to get that horse’s leg up.  I approached him gently, I approached him with firmness, I approached him with lots of self-confidence, and I approached him with pleading, praying, and submission.  Every way I could think of I tried.  By now better than 30 minutes had gone by.  I was soaked.  I was sweating through pores I didn’t know I had.  Totally frustrated, I finally asked the instructor to help me, even though I knew that in doing so I would be considered a loser.  His response was “I wondered how long you would keep working at this without either quitting or asking for help”  He went on to say “In all my years, I have never seen anyone try so consistently and be so consistently unsuccessful”.

He said “How can I help?”  “Show me again, how to do this”.  I watched intently as he went over to Mr. Ed touched his leg, and like magic, up comes the hoof.  I said “Show me again”.  He did.  I said “Show me again”.  He did.  I asked him to do this three more times.  Amazingly he didn’t yell, scream, or call me names.  He just did as I asked.

After the last demonstration, I went over to Mr. Ed, touched his leg and like magic he handed me his hoof.  I went to each of the other legs, and the same thing happened.  Like magic the hoof ended up in my hand. 

I looked at some of the other horses, and I said “Show me how to get that horse’s leg up”.   He, without complaint or judgment did as I had asked.  I must have lifted and cleaned out half a dozen other horses’ hooves.

In processing this experience, what I realized was that when I was a little guy growing up on the family farm, I was lucky if I was shown how to do something once.  More commonly, I was just supposed to know.  I learned very early on that to ask for help meant to be ridiculed.  I had no idea that I had carried that ‘lesson’ into my adult life.  I had no idea that the thought of asking for help was not even present in my adult coping tool box. 

What this Mr. Ed experience taught me was that asking for help was last on my list of options for problem solving.  How much of my life had I wasted trying to figure things out on my own?  How many opportunities had I missed because I didn’t think to ask for help?  What had I unconsciously taught me children about asking for help?

That experience changed my life. I learned that in some cases, with some people it is ok to ask how, even if they have already shown you.  Even if they have already told you.

It would be dreaming to think that asking for help would be the first thing I would think of in situations I find myself in today, but I have, without shame, pulled that tool out many times in subsequent years.  As much as I could have?  As much as I should have?  Probably not, but a lot more than ever before.

So, as the Mr. Ed theme song went “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to (or, in my case learn from) a horse, of course, that is of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed”.      

Having It All

From Ted

I met a wonderful lady a few years ago who said she wanted to work with me.  After discussing the details, I asked what she was looking for.  She said, “Though I have all of the money anyone could ever imagine, it is all so meaningless, I have no friends and my children hate me.”  In the years since we have been working together, she continues to get little pieces of what she had been seeking in terms of quality connections to her family and friends.

I was reminded of this conversation during a recent visit to Corsica.  We were working with a couple there.  Their hillside home looks out over a spectacular 210 degree view of the Mediterranean and sland of Corsica.  There are million dollar views and then there are priceless views.  This was one of those priceless ones.  As we were talking late in the afternoon one day, the wife said “It is hard to believe that we have so much.  Look at this view, look at the house we get to live in, and yet we are so very unhappy, to the point where I feel sad when I see this, instead of happy”.

What these precious folks have taught me is that fame, wealth, gorgeous homes and views can never give me what matters most, quality relationships with my friends, and family.  I am grateful for that lesson, without having to pay the huge price others have had to pay to find these truths.  I am also reminded that lessons such as these are available if I pay attention. 

When Shopping Is Out of Control

From Brad

Annie knows better, but she just can’t stop. She has trouble driving past the mall without running in to buy something. Some days she spends more money than others, but rarely a day passes without her making an unneeded purchase. For the past few months, Annie has spent hours almost every day internet shopping- even when she is at work. She has credit card debt in the tens of thousands of dollars and has opened several credit cards that her husband doesn’t know about. To hide her shopping habit, Annie started having items mailed to her friend’s house. Annie typically has shopping bags hidden in her closet and in the trunk of her car. Most of the things Annie buys she has no need of or use for, and many items she ends up returning. Annie has broken promise after promise to herself and others to stop spending. She knows her spending is out of control. She shops to make herself feel better. She shops to fill the sense of emptiness she feels inside. It works, but only for a while. On the ride home from the store, or after opening her mail, Annie feels a flood of guilt, remorse, and self-loathing. To cope with these feelings Annie will often begin another cycle of buying. Annie suffers from what psychologists call “compulsive buying disorder.” 

   

Compulsive buyers can’t stop thinking about shopping. They obsess about it, experience irresistible impulses to buy and lose control of their spending. They shop to relieve stress and to deal with emotional pain. For compulsive shoppers, shopping becomes like a drug. Dopamine floods their brains when they think about and anticipate the pleasure they will feel when they shop. Shopping can offer a tremendous thrill for them and they often get the sensation of being high. Soon after, however, they feel the inevitable emotional crash resulting in low self-esteem and buyer’s remorse.     

For the compulsive shopper, buying is an addiction akin to alcoholism or drug dependency, with similar social and emotional consequences. Research shows that compulsive buyers experience more anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsiveness, and low self-esteem than non-compulsive buyers. When left untreated, compulsive buying can lead to excessive debt, financial strain, bankruptcy, relationship problems, divorce, problems concentrating at work, and in some cases, legal complications.

In a consumer oriented culture, compulsive buying is a relatively common problem.  Compulsive buying afflicts 1 in 20 people in the United States, which is approximately the same rate as that of depression.  Of the compulsive buyers, over 75% of them are woman.  The prevalence of compulsive buying also appears to be on the rise, especially among adolescents. A recent study of high school students found 44% meeting the criteria for compulsive buying.

Clinical psychologist, April Lane Benson, Ph.D., author of “I Shop Therefore I Am: Compulsive Buying and The Search for Self” suggests compulsive buyers stop and take some time to think before buying.  She recommends they ask themselves the following questions before making a purchase:

1) Why am I here?

2) What do I feel?

3) Do I need this?

4) What if I wait?

5) How will I pay?

6) Where will I put it?

Dr. Benson says that “pausing before you buy can really make a difference.”

If you are having difficulty controlling your spending, take Dr. Benson’s advice and create some space between your impulse to buy and your buying behavior.  Ask yourself if you are trying to fill an emotional need by making the purchase. If so, brainstorm some ways to better meet your emotional need, such as taking a walk, talking to a friend, journaling about your thoughts and feelings, or having a good cry. If you do go shopping, make sure to take cash and leave the credit cards at home. Research shows we spend 30% less when we buy with cash. Compulsive buying, like most other addictive and compulsive disorders, can be successfully treated with a variety of approaches including psychotherapy, psychotropic medications, and support groups such as Debtors Anonymous. Fortunately, Annie asked for help before it was too late. Take some time to examine your spending habits as you move into the New Year. If you try these suggestions and still have trouble controlling your spending, consider seeking professional help.

Financial Enabling

From Ted

I’m often asked what financial enabling looks like.  The most recent example I’ve run across occurred last week.  I had dinner the other night with a man I will call Martin; a man that I have known for more than a decade.  He asked me what was on the cutting edge of my work with money.  After my sharing that, Martin told me that what was on the cutting edge of his behaviors around money.

It seems that recently his 23 year old son was drunk once again and wrecked his car.  It was the fifth car he had wrecked.  It was the fifth car his dad had purchased for him.  Martin was trying to resist purchasing another car and was also feeling some pressure to buy a better house for his son, his son’s wife and their four children.

His son has been involved with alcohol and other drugs for nearly a decade going through a number of treatment centers.  His son and his family live in a small two bedroom home.  Now his unemployed son has nothing to drive, so that if he wanted to work he would have to walk, get a ride, ride a bicycle, etc.  Worse yet, Martin’s grandchildren and daughter-in-law are profoundly affected by his son’s choices over the years.

Martin has several million dollars that he has earned by working and investing wisely over the last 30 years.  On one hand Martin’s clear experience has been that when he has used his money in an attempt to bail out his son, every attempt to help has ended in a disaster, with each one being worse than before.  On the other hand Martin has the money to help his son and his family. 

Martin knows that bailing his son out yet again would probably not help in the long run and yet he struggles to make a decision.  Why is that?  Without knowing Martin better it would be hard to say for sure, but my experience tells me that very often there are significant levels of guilt and shame for not being a better parent throughout the years.  Unconsciously, money is used in an attempt to “make up for” these mistakes.  Money is used in an unsuccessful attempt to buy a sense of forgiveness and peace. Another source of the struggle is that Martin has more than he needs, making it very difficult not to help when he has so much. 

Martin’s past behavior is a perfect example of financial enabling.  Enabling always has unexpected and unintended consequences.  Though well-meaning, by financially supporting his son’s inappropriate behaviors Martin is actually reinforcing them.  By his behaviors, Martin is denying his grandchildren a father.  He is robbing his son of his self-worth.