I Hate My Life

From Ted

I was reminded of having spoken these words when a friend of mine recently said “I hate my life!” She was embarrassed to have said those words and immediately argued that she should be happy and feel grateful, and she couldn’t understand where that thought had come from.

In that moment I clearly remembered uttering those same infamous words myself. My wife and I were returning to the airport after having visited our son and his fiancée for two weeks at their home in Hawaii (parental obligations are sometimes stressful like this but visiting your children it is the right thing to do so we have learned to grin and bear it). We were all just chatting and wondering when we could get together next, when seemingly out of nowhere the words “I hate my life” came tumbling out of my mouth. It is one thing to think something like that and then decide to share it out loud, but it is quite another thing to have the words expose such a raw pain before I had any conscious thought precede them.

I was very embarrassed. I quickly said “I don’t mean that. I don’t know where that came from. I love my life.”

I am not sure if I convinced anyone else in the car with that attempted repair, but I certainly didn’t fool myself. The thought was scary. My wife was a part of my life. My son and daughter were a part of my life. My business was a part of my life. My home. My friends. If I in fact hated my life, where did all of that fit? I was appalled at what I had said. To say the trip home was uncomfortable for me would be a significant understatement. What did it mean that I hated my life? What parts? The whole thing? Some of it? Most of it? Is it possible to hate some of your life and love others at the same time? How do I sort all of that out?

Well as we tell our clients, we sort it out like someone would eat an elephant- one bite at a time. Slowly, over the next few months (with lots of support, coaching, and tolerance-especially from my wife) I began to realize that there were parts of my life that I absolutely loved. Most important of these was my relationships with my wife and kids. I discovered the parts I hated were related to the work I was doing. Not all of my work, but different pieces of my work life. As I unraveled the ball of string that was my life (that was a metaphor that I visualized representing the life I had constructed), I was able to sort out what I wanted to keep just as it was, what I wanted to let go of, and that which I wanted to change. It was, at times, a scary, challenging and difficult task. Other times it was exciting and energizing. As I slowly began to act on my new awareness, I discovered I had more and more energy and enthusiasm for life, my creativity blossomed, and my life took on an exciting flavor.

So, if I ever hear myself mutter something like “I hate my life,” rather than be afraid, I will recognize that a part of me is trying to get my attention and let me know that I need to make some changes. Better yet, I hope to be more attentive to how my life feels in the moment so I won’t have to yell at myself to wake myself up the next time.

Embrace Your Mid-Life Crisis

From Brad

The theory that most adults experience a midlife crisis has, for the most part, been debunked by researchers. Only 25% of Americans over the age of 35 believe that they have experienced one. However, for those who have one, a midlife crisis is a period of emotional turmoil brought on by anxiety associated with growing older. It is a time of self doubt and introspection when someone realizes that life is half over. For some it is caused by the aging process itself. For others, a midlife crisis is triggered by the loss of a parent, a child leaving home, or problems or regrets in areas such as parenting, career, or the status of one’s primary relationship. A person may question significant life choices and feel bad about not accomplishing all that he or she once wanted to achieve. Contrary to popular belief, women are just as likely as men to experience a midlife crisis. While it sounds like something to be avoided, you may be surprised to hear that a midlife crisis can actually be a good thing.

A good thing?  At first glance, a midlife crisis doesn’t sound like fun at all. Maybe you feel like you have just awakened from a dream, finding yourself in a life you never wanted. Maybe you have a profound sense of dissatisfaction with your lack of accomplishment, career choice, career trajectory, partner, house or friends. Perhaps you’ve begun to question some of your core values or beliefs. You might be questioning the meaning of life itself, and wondering if you’ve frittered away your earlier years by being involved in some misguided pursuit.

Certainly, these thoughts and feelings can rattle us to the core. They can be uncomfortable or even downright painful. If you are experiencing a midlife crisis, it is normal to try to avoid experiencing feelings of sadness, regret or fear. However, I urge you to not rush through this period of introspection by making hasty decisions. Don’t distract yourself with a total lifestyle makeover too quickly. The discomfort and pain is your wake-up call to be a more conscious consumer of life.  If done correctly, a midlife crisis provides an excellent opportunity to improve your life and find fulfillment. In fact, if you have never experienced one, I encourage you to consider doing so.

However, please do yourself a favor and forgo the new sports car, the new job, and the new spouse for a while. Please also allow me to save you some wasted time, money, and grief. Your existential angst is not the fault of your partner, your children, or your boss. It is not due to the fact that your car is too old or your hair is graying or falling out. Believe it or not, resolving your midlife crisis is an internal journey, and changing all these external aspects of your life in a desperate search for joy or meaning will likely only cause you more pain and suffering.

While this may sound strange, embrace your midlife crisis and search for internal meaning.  Now is the time for you to reassess your values, your choices, and your goals. It is a time for you to rediscover what brings you meaning in life, and how you may be standing in your own way of feeling fulfilled. It fact, I argue that we would all benefit from experiencing a midlife crisis at least once a year- regardless of our age. There is something very beneficial to putting all pretenses aside, stepping out of our daily routine and asking ourselves the Big Questions: What is my life all about? Why am I here? What do I want to do with the time I have left on earth? What legacy do I want to leave for my family and for the world? What is most important to me? Is my life in concert with what I value most?

If you are blessed with a midlife crisis, welcome the opportunity to get clear about what you want in life. Take time to sit with the Big Questions without rushing to the hollow answers our consumer culture throws our way. Stay with your uncomfortable feelings. Don’t rush through them or try to speed away in your brand new sports car. When we stay present with the Big Questions long enough, the answers will come to us. When we do, our lives get infused with renewed passion, vigor, and direction. Don’t worry too much if it is temporarily the wrong direction. You can use next year’s midlife crisis to help you sort it out.

Dr. Brad Klontz can be reached by e-mail at brad@klontzcoaching.com. 

Therapy Plus Medication Helps

A recent study led by David Miklowitz of the University of Colorado at Boulder, revealed that 2/3rds of the patients receiving bipolar medications as well as psychotherapy displayed “good emotional health”, while only ½ of those who received medication and general educational information about their condition reported the same. This suggests that psychotherapy enhances emotional stability in people receiving standard medications for bipolar disorder. Source: Archives of General Psychiatry; April 2007

"Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge" Featured in Knoxnews.com

September 23, 2007

Scrooge Tale Offers Sound Financial Advice

by Paul Fain

Invisible Wounds

From Brad Klontz

Everything seemed fine at first. After serving fifteen months in Iraq, Carlo was happy to be home. It was great to be back with family, surfing, and working in the family business. But six months after his return, the dreams started. While Carlo came home uninjured, many of his friends weren’t so fortunate. On one patrol, Carlo’s unit was ambushed and his best friend was killed. Every night for the past month, Carlo has relieved the experience in his dreams. He wakes in a cold sweat and out of breath, overwhelmed with feelings of fear, sadness, powerlessness, and anger. Lately he has had trouble focusing at work as he can’t stop thinking about the incident. When news of the war comes on television, Carlo will change the channel or walk out of the room. More than once a loud noise has made Carlo jump, and one time he even dove to the ground to take cover. Carlo’s wife is beginning to complain that he is “distant” and “aloof.” Carlo finds himself becoming increasing irritable and short-tempered with his children.

Carlo is not alone. According to Lieutenant Commander and Navy Psychologist Dr. Erick Bacho, approximately 30% of returning soldiers experience significant mental health concerns. More than half of those, like Carlo, experience symptoms of posttraumatic stress. Since the Civil War, health professionals have noted the mental and emotional effects of war on soldiers. Terms such as “shell shock,” “combat fatigue,” and most recently, “posttraumatic stress,” have been used to describe an invisible emotional wound that can be just as debilitating as physical injury. Posttraumatic stress can follow an experience in which a person feels terrified, powerless, or at risk of severe harm or death. Individuals suffering with posttraumatic stress try to avoid thinking or talking their experiences. Despite their efforts, they may be flooded by thoughts, images, and overwhelming feelings triggered by even the slightest reminder of the trauma. They may startle easy, have trouble relaxing, or feel the need to check over their shoulder. Feelings of anxiety, nightmares, or “flashbacks,” - in which they feel like they are reliving an experience while fully awake- can begin to take over their lives.

War veterans experiencing posttraumatic stress often find it difficult to return to a normal life. It is difficult for them to talk about their experiences with their family, friends, or coworkers. They may not want to upset those they love with disturbing details, may feel guilt about what they did or did not do, or may fear being misunderstood or judged by those who can’t relate to their experiences.

Research has shown that psychotherapy can help Carlo heal. Providing Carlo with a safe place to confront the details of his traumatic experiences and process the associated thoughts and unresolved emotions can relieve him of his symptoms of posttraumatic stress. Unfortunately, according to Dr. Bacho, less than half of returning soldiers who experience mental health problems seek mental health services.

Carlo’s family and friends can play an important role in helping him heal his invisible wounds. Dr. Bacho recommends that families and friends consider the following tips to support returning veterans: 1) Plan a special homecoming for the returning soldier, which may include banners or a special meal. 2) Anticipate a "post-honeymoon" period. After the initial euphoria of the return, it is normal to feel out of synch with loved ones because all have grown and changed during the separation. It is not uncommon for symptoms of anxiety and depression to appear weeks or months after the reunion. 3) Ease into intimacy. It may take time to reestablish physical and emotional closeness after stressful situations. Spend time talking together. Sometimes it's easier to connect if you talk while doing something together, like taking a walk or working out.  4) Be patient. Fatigue, confusion, and worry can lead to short tempers and hurt feelings. 5) Expect children to test the rules when both parents are home. Set aside time with your spouse to come up with a parenting and household duties approach you both agree on (e.g., discipline, child care, housekeeping).  6) Know when to seek help. If you, your spouse, or other family members are feeling signs of physical or emotional stress, misuse of alcohol, or sleeping problems, it's important to seek expert help.

Regardless of one’s political views, Carlo, and all other returning soldiers have answered their country’s call to service. They have volunteered to put themselves in harm’s way to serve their friends, families, and communities. Now as friends, families, and community members, it is our turn to serve them.

Dr. Brad Klontz is the 2007 President-Elect of the Hawaii Psychological Association and coauthor of The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge.  He can be reached by e-mail at brad@klontzcoaching.com.  For free, confidential referrals to a psychologist in your area, contact the HPA online at www.hawaiipsych.org or call (808) 521-8995.

The Effectiveness of Equine-Assisted Experiential Therapy: Results of an Open Clinical Trial

by Brad Klontz, Alex Bivens, Deb Leinart, & Ted Klontz

This is a study we completed on Onsite’s equine therapy program, which was recently published in the journal “Society & Animals: The Journal of Human-Animal Studies.”  In the study, participants showed significant improvements in psychological symptoms and psychological well-being following treatment. This is one of only a few studies ever completed on the effectiveness of equine-assisted psychotherapy.  If you would like a copy of the article, contact Brad Klontz at brad@klontzcoaching.com.

Ted, Brad, Rick Kahler & "Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge" Featured on MSN Money

6/8/2007

When Couples Clash Over Cash

by Kris Kristof